I need to Heal **** GRAPHIC POST*******

Wow it has been months since I last posted. Since June my life has been uber crazy and insanely hectic. My dad died June 17,2014. Phil was diagnosed with advanced Multiple Sclerosis on July 2, 2014. Then 2 weeks later was dad's funeral and that is when my life fell apart. This has been a horrible second half of the year 2014 and I was glad to see it go.

I will try to remember the highlights but I will be bouncing all over the place so hang in there with me if you will!

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING 

This entry/story will be very graphic so if you are uncomfortable please skip it. I need to write this so I can heal!!!!

Last week I lost one of my nearest and dearest friends. She is one of my many friends by the name of Ashlee. I am starting with this topic because I am having a hell of a time processing it and can't seem to sleep because of it.

On Thursday January 29, 2015 I was driving in my car from Provo to Lehi. I had 4 other people in my car as well. Behind me was Ashlee in her mini van with her 3 kids in car seats (at the time of the crash they were 3 weeks, 2, and 4) As we were passing the big "S" curve on I-15 NB I looked in my rear view mirror and saw her van flip end over end. Not a sideways rollover but the back end came up over the car and it flipped. We don't know what the actual cause of the crash was but I think a car either rear ended her or clipped her.

Anyway, I saw it happen so I pulled over and told everyone in my car not to get out until after I checked it out. I did this because I have seen many many accidents in my EMT days so I knew I could handle it. Or so I thought. I really didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was. I got to the car before the wheels had even stopped spinning so I was literally RIGHT THERE! I got there and looked around and I couldn't find Ashlee. I kept looking and she was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile all 3 of the kids screaming hysterically and I still couldn't find her. After looking around the car and road i finally saw her shirt. She was not wearing her seat belt and when the car flipped it landed on her head. She was dead when I got there. I have saved countless lives when I ran ambulance and working in the ER and I was right there when it happened and I couldn't save my sweet friend. How fair is that?

The scene unfolding

The newborn baby girl was so tiny that she slid out of her car seat and I found her laying on the ground which was actually the roof of the car. The two and four year old were still in their car seats. I quickly checked them the best I could but the 4 year old was turning gray in color. Keep in mind the car seats were strapped into the car which was currently upside down. I ran back to my car and grabbed my car escape tool. It has a seat belt cutting knife. As I got back to the mini van I again saw Ashlee's face and crushed head. I threw up right then and there. Not because of the blood or grossness of the look of her body or the fact that her head was literally smashed, but because of the look on her face. Her eyes looked like fear and there is no other way to explain it. Complete and udder terror. I turned then to the kids. I knew I had to get them right side up before they passed out. I grabbed the newborn first. She was the closest to the window. I pull her out and hand her to a passerby. Then I go to the 4 year old who was even more gray then before. She was suffocating I cut her car seat out of the car and check her over. Her color immediately returned to normal. I got her c-spine secure and hand her to another good Samaritan. I go around the car to the 2 year old who has stopped screaming by now and is very cyonotic. No way in hell was I gonna loose these kids like we lost their mother. I reach in and cut his car seat out of the car. Again I inspect him quickly. He is fine and his color returns to normal. Again I secure his c-spine and hand him off. I have to stop myself and just breath. Hold it together Derin just keep it together is what I keep telling myself.

I double check that all 3 babies are being taken care of as good as can be.  Once I feel good about them and feel that they are in good hands I turned back towards the car. I threw up again. all I can see is mangled metal but I know she is in there. Its too much for even I to handle.  I told myself at that moment that I knew she was gone but that she shouldn't be alone.  Come on Derin I tell myself. Go to her she needs you. I walked slowly to the car for what seemed like an eternity. I sat down on the freeway right where she was. I softly brushed the glass and debris off and away from her face. By this point the adrenaline rush had worn off and I found myself crying hysterically. I grabbed her hand it was her left one. I still didn't see her right one because it was under the car. I held her hand so tightly for again what seemed forever. I spent this time telling my sweet and special friend how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn't save her, sorry her children don't have a mother, sorry that I chose to lead the pack rather then follow her (it could have been my car), sorry for her life ending the way it did. While I sat there holding her hand and rubbing her face I said my final good bye to my sweet angel friend. I reached up to her eyes which were still open and I ran my hands over them to close them. I held my dead friend until all 3 babies were loaded in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital. They took the newborn and the 2 year old together and the 4 year old in her own ambulance. I cried both times the doors were shut. I cried because it was finally sinking, what I had just witnessed and done. My friend is dead and she left behind 3 beautiful babies.

The entire next week was spend funeral planning and helping her family take care of those babies. Ashlee will forevermore be remembered as a beautiful, kind, loving friend, sister, mother, daughter, niece, and aunt. I take much comfort in knowing that she passed quickly and likely with no pain. Her babies will live their lives without their mother. I will honor Ashlee by always being there for her babies. Until we meet again Ash..... I love you and miss you so much more than I ever thought possible.

A letter to dad

Damn dad I miss you so much. I could really use your strong support and unconditional love right now. I'm really having a hard time. I know you are happy with mom but I miss you so much and my heart is so empty everyday without you and mom. Please keep looking out for me from above and Devin too she needs you as much as I do. I know this is stupid to put on face book but I don't care. We are both ok and will be okay without you here, it would just be easier if you were still here. Luckily you taught us well enough so that we can take care of ourselves and each other. We both watched you fight so damn hard for ten straight days to get better so I am glad you are now at peace and not trapped by a broken body. I pray everyday that you are at peace and happy. I love you and miss you dad more than I ever thought was possible. Until we meet again dad......

The Anatomy of life support part 3

The ICU doctors had ordered kidney dialysis. It was to clean dad's blood and filter it since by this point he was in complete renal (kidney) failure. Dialysis is typically a 3-4 hour process each session. Dad was far to sick for that because it's very hard on the body. The doc decided to use a different method for dialysis called CRRT (continuous renal replacement therapy) what this meant for dad is that he would be on kidney dialysis 24 hours a day continually. 

The doctor ordered dialysis I believe Wednesday or Thursday that the first week. It took 2 to 3 days for them to actually start the therapy. This was very upsetting to both my sister and I because we felt like they were delaying my dad in his healing process. They ended up starting it finally I forget what day it was. He was on it about 24 to 48 hours and then they decided to completely take him off. When we asked why they took him off of the dialysis, which was frustrating, because it was so important according to them start so that dad would start to improve, they told us it was because his blood was too thick it was clogging up the dialysis machine. I don't understand this because of he had a condition called atrial fibrillation which he had to take blood thinners for. And multiple times the doctors and nurses told us that his blood was too thin. So go ahead and figure that one out because we couldn't.  Anyway they were going to restart the dialysis on day 10 of his comatose state. He never made it that far. 

So essentially the kidney dialysis was to assist his body to heal and get better because he was in complete renal kidney failure. It was extremely hard to see him go through this and watch the blood coming out of his very sick body, through the machine and pump back into his body. I was Able to tolerate it because I believed this would help dad to come out of his comatose state and begin to heal his body. I WAS WRONG. The dialysis did absolutely no good for dad. It did not improve his health at all not even a smidgen but, on the plus side it also did not make anything worse or more life-threatening but it didn't do the job of making it better and that sucks. 

This post has been extremely hard on me so I am going to leave it at this and pick up next time on the last hours and days of dad's life in the last few days leading up to the very second we said our final good bye. 

Live, laugh, love and you can get through anything. Until next time.......

The Anatomy of life support part 2

I left off on Monday night.

I could only stay in the ICU for no more than 30 mins. It was so hard to see this man who was always so strong and burly being completely sedated in a medical induced coma. The put him the coma to allow his body time to rest so that he might get stronger. It didn't work. By Tuesday morning the Doctor decided to stop all the sedative medication to see if he would wake up and come out of the coma.

He didn't wake up at all on Tuesday. My sister and I had a hard time just sitting there watching our dad waste away to nothing. As I said in my last post his belly was so incredibly swollen yet his face was a dull gray color and completely hollowed out looking.  We were staying at a hotel less than 5 minutes away from St. Mary's Hospital. At this point the Dr. said to not get excited because he was still a very sick man. They believed that he got pancreatitis which caused his gall bladder to fail causing his liver and entire digestive tract to fail.

When we went to see him again Tuesday afternoon we talked to the Dr and nurses and got permission for my 7 and 8 year old nephews to come in the ICU and see dad. I took them in 1 at a time. I started with the youngest Mark (named after my dad ). I held his hand while we walked into the ICU. His dad stayed with the other nephew and my sister was already in dad's room. I explained that grandpa was very sick and was going to look different. I explained the best I could that he had lots of tubes and machines and such in him and in the room. This boy is such a tuff kiddo. We walked into the room. I told Mark that grandpa was able to hear him and to just talk to him as normal as you can. He was strong and brave. I picked him up so he could give his "papa" a kiss on the forehead. I walked him out and brought Ethan in. I explained everything all over again. Something you should know about Ethan is that he and his papa were the best of buddies. He tried to talk to dad but was very nervous and scared just as I would be at his age. I had been so strong since I got to the hospital on Monday however, when Ethan was getting ready to leave I again picked him up to give papa a kiss. I was strong until this little tender 8 year old said the most sad and profound thin I have ever heard. He looked at my dad and said " goodbye papa I will see you when I get to heaven" I LOST IT! Wow what a special boy he is. I am actually crying right now as I type this and remember his small voice saying those tender words.

After that I was so emotionally exhausted and worn out. We all went back to our hotel and I sat in my empty hotel room by myself and had a good hard cry. We didn't go back to see him that day because they were going to be inserting a tube into his gall bladder to drain the infection. He needed surgery to remove it all together but he was too sick and unstable for surgery so this was the next best thing they could do to try and relieve the infection to hopefully bring him out of the coma. It didn't help him to wake up.

In the next post I will talk about the dialysis they said was the fix all but they were wrong. Until next time....

The anatomy of life support part 1

We still don't know what type of infection caused my dad's life to end. It started out on Saturday with about an hour of vomiting. Within hours he was unresponsive and swollen. Within 24 hours of being in the hospital in Craig he declined so fast that he was life flighted to St Mary's hospital in Grand Junction... This was Sunday night. 

I left first thing Monday  morning after working a 12 hour graveyard shift. My sister was already there when I got there. She'd tried to prepare me for what dad looked like but I was not even able to process what I saw when I walked into his ICU room that very first time. This was Monday evening. 

I walked in I instantly felt like I was going to vomit. His vital signs were the lowest signs I've ever seen in my 8 years as a nurse. He was completely supported by medications and machines. He had tubes coming from every opening in his entire body except for his ears. He had numerous IV's including three directly in his neck.  He was swollen throughout his body almost past the point of recognition except his face which was hollow and gray in color. 

More details and such coming soon.......

My dad, my hero

On Saturday June 7, 2014, my dad went out to lunch his friend. He came home and took a nap for an hour or so and woke up vomiting. By about 7 o'clock that night he was unconscious at the hospital in Craig Colorado. He declined very quickly and was flight for life to Grand Junction Colorado to St. Mary's hospital. 

There he spent one night in a medically induced coma. Then they stopped all of this sedative medications. He Remained unresponsive for another three days. This whole time he was on a ventilator and blood pressure medication to keep him alive. We as in my sister and myself where right at his side as much as possible the entire 10 days he was on life support. On June 17, 2014 we made the courageous decision to take dad off all life support. He died at 4:05 PM

My dad died exactly 15 months and 13 days after my mother died. I will be posting more about my dad and the life he had but this is just a quick update to keep you all updated. I have been able to witness and feel the love support and prayers on behalf of my father and myself and my family. It is because of all of that but I am able to even lift my head up every single day. Thank you for everything. 

I love you dad and miss you more than I ever thought was possible ........ Until we meet again.....

Random thoughts of the day

I have had a few very good and amazing weeks lately, yet tragic at the same time. To begin with the positive would be best.

A week or so ago I got a call from a dear sweet friend. She told me she got pregnant and was not in a place to raise a baby. She asked if I was still interested in adopting. ABSOLUTELY!!!! She was super relieved and was feeling great so far in the pregnancy. I was able to be a support for her through the rough spots and rejoiced with her in the happiness. I am not going to lie I was so excited at the idea of FINALLY becoming the mother I feel I am destined to become. Now for the bad...... She called me today and said her ex-boyfriend had attacked her causing her to miscarry. He kicked and punched her in the stomach among other things the bastard did to my sweet friend. ----- side note---- He is currently in jail still I do believe. I am absolutely once again devastated because I can feel my dreams of motherhood slipping away once again. I knew better than to get excited this early but what can I say, I want to be a mommy more than almost anything else. I think I just need to realize this may not be in the cards for my and my sweet, patient, loving dreamboat of a husband.

On to better and happier things. I am loving my job! My hours are perfect, my boss is great, my co-workers are stellar, and my clients are the best I could ever ask for. I have the BEST friends I could ever ask for! I love that we can go days, weeks, or months without talking or seeing each other and we pick right up where we left off. I have without a single doubt the BEST husband ever possible. He is patient, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, dedicated soul. I could seriously go on for ever about him. When I was sick with the second cancer battle he was 100% at my side. He has continued to take care of me and everything in our lives without any complaint. He is my everything! Ya ya I know move on, enough already lol!!! Oh and 1 more thing... We are finally on the road to being more active in church. I love it but wish I wasn't so lazy. ( we have 9:30am church ugh!)

As usual here is another wonderful quote that I love and it rings so true to me.

"Friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever."