I will try to remember the highlights but I will be bouncing all over the place so hang in there with me if you will!
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
This entry/story will be very graphic so if you are uncomfortable please skip it. I need to write this so I can heal!!!!
Last week I lost one of my nearest and dearest friends. She is one of my many friends by the name of Ashlee. I am starting with this topic because I am having a hell of a time processing it and can't seem to sleep because of it.
On Thursday January 29, 2015 I was driving in my car from Provo to Lehi. I had 4 other people in my car as well. Behind me was Ashlee in her mini van with her 3 kids in car seats (at the time of the crash they were 3 weeks, 2, and 4) As we were passing the big "S" curve on I-15 NB I looked in my rear view mirror and saw her van flip end over end. Not a sideways rollover but the back end came up over the car and it flipped. We don't know what the actual cause of the crash was but I think a car either rear ended her or clipped her.
Anyway, I saw it happen so I pulled over and told everyone in my car not to get out until after I checked it out. I did this because I have seen many many accidents in my EMT days so I knew I could handle it. Or so I thought. I really didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was. I got to the car before the wheels had even stopped spinning so I was literally RIGHT THERE! I got there and looked around and I couldn't find Ashlee. I kept looking and she was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile all 3 of the kids screaming hysterically and I still couldn't find her. After looking around the car and road i finally saw her shirt. She was not wearing her seat belt and when the car flipped it landed on her head. She was dead when I got there. I have saved countless lives when I ran ambulance and working in the ER and I was right there when it happened and I couldn't save my sweet friend. How fair is that?
The scene unfolding
The newborn baby girl was so tiny that she slid out of her car seat and I found her laying on the ground which was actually the roof of the car. The two and four year old were still in their car seats. I quickly checked them the best I could but the 4 year old was turning gray in color. Keep in mind the car seats were strapped into the car which was currently upside down. I ran back to my car and grabbed my car escape tool. It has a seat belt cutting knife. As I got back to the mini van I again saw Ashlee's face and crushed head. I threw up right then and there. Not because of the blood or grossness of the look of her body or the fact that her head was literally smashed, but because of the look on her face. Her eyes looked like fear and there is no other way to explain it. Complete and udder terror. I turned then to the kids. I knew I had to get them right side up before they passed out. I grabbed the newborn first. She was the closest to the window. I pull her out and hand her to a passerby. Then I go to the 4 year old who was even more gray then before. She was suffocating I cut her car seat out of the car and check her over. Her color immediately returned to normal. I got her c-spine secure and hand her to another good Samaritan. I go around the car to the 2 year old who has stopped screaming by now and is very cyonotic. No way in hell was I gonna loose these kids like we lost their mother. I reach in and cut his car seat out of the car. Again I inspect him quickly. He is fine and his color returns to normal. Again I secure his c-spine and hand him off. I have to stop myself and just breath. Hold it together Derin just keep it together is what I keep telling myself.
I double check that all 3 babies are being taken care of as good as can be. Once I feel good about them and feel that they are in good hands I turned back towards the car. I threw up again. all I can see is mangled metal but I know she is in there. Its too much for even I to handle. I told myself at that moment that I knew she was gone but that she shouldn't be alone. Come on Derin I tell myself. Go to her she needs you. I walked slowly to the car for what seemed like an eternity. I sat down on the freeway right where she was. I softly brushed the glass and debris off and away from her face. By this point the adrenaline rush had worn off and I found myself crying hysterically. I grabbed her hand it was her left one. I still didn't see her right one because it was under the car. I held her hand so tightly for again what seemed forever. I spent this time telling my sweet and special friend how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn't save her, sorry her children don't have a mother, sorry that I chose to lead the pack rather then follow her (it could have been my car), sorry for her life ending the way it did. While I sat there holding her hand and rubbing her face I said my final good bye to my sweet angel friend. I reached up to her eyes which were still open and I ran my hands over them to close them. I held my dead friend until all 3 babies were loaded in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital. They took the newborn and the 2 year old together and the 4 year old in her own ambulance. I cried both times the doors were shut. I cried because it was finally sinking, what I had just witnessed and done. My friend is dead and she left behind 3 beautiful babies.
The entire next week was spend funeral planning and helping her family take care of those babies. Ashlee will forevermore be remembered as a beautiful, kind, loving friend, sister, mother, daughter, niece, and aunt. I take much comfort in knowing that she passed quickly and likely with no pain. Her babies will live their lives without their mother. I will honor Ashlee by always being there for her babies. Until we meet again Ash..... I love you and miss you so much more than I ever thought possible.
