I need to Heal **** GRAPHIC POST*******

Wow it has been months since I last posted. Since June my life has been uber crazy and insanely hectic. My dad died June 17,2014. Phil was diagnosed with advanced Multiple Sclerosis on July 2, 2014. Then 2 weeks later was dad's funeral and that is when my life fell apart. This has been a horrible second half of the year 2014 and I was glad to see it go.

I will try to remember the highlights but I will be bouncing all over the place so hang in there with me if you will!

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING 

This entry/story will be very graphic so if you are uncomfortable please skip it. I need to write this so I can heal!!!!

Last week I lost one of my nearest and dearest friends. She is one of my many friends by the name of Ashlee. I am starting with this topic because I am having a hell of a time processing it and can't seem to sleep because of it.

On Thursday January 29, 2015 I was driving in my car from Provo to Lehi. I had 4 other people in my car as well. Behind me was Ashlee in her mini van with her 3 kids in car seats (at the time of the crash they were 3 weeks, 2, and 4) As we were passing the big "S" curve on I-15 NB I looked in my rear view mirror and saw her van flip end over end. Not a sideways rollover but the back end came up over the car and it flipped. We don't know what the actual cause of the crash was but I think a car either rear ended her or clipped her.

Anyway, I saw it happen so I pulled over and told everyone in my car not to get out until after I checked it out. I did this because I have seen many many accidents in my EMT days so I knew I could handle it. Or so I thought. I really didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was. I got to the car before the wheels had even stopped spinning so I was literally RIGHT THERE! I got there and looked around and I couldn't find Ashlee. I kept looking and she was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile all 3 of the kids screaming hysterically and I still couldn't find her. After looking around the car and road i finally saw her shirt. She was not wearing her seat belt and when the car flipped it landed on her head. She was dead when I got there. I have saved countless lives when I ran ambulance and working in the ER and I was right there when it happened and I couldn't save my sweet friend. How fair is that?

The scene unfolding

The newborn baby girl was so tiny that she slid out of her car seat and I found her laying on the ground which was actually the roof of the car. The two and four year old were still in their car seats. I quickly checked them the best I could but the 4 year old was turning gray in color. Keep in mind the car seats were strapped into the car which was currently upside down. I ran back to my car and grabbed my car escape tool. It has a seat belt cutting knife. As I got back to the mini van I again saw Ashlee's face and crushed head. I threw up right then and there. Not because of the blood or grossness of the look of her body or the fact that her head was literally smashed, but because of the look on her face. Her eyes looked like fear and there is no other way to explain it. Complete and udder terror. I turned then to the kids. I knew I had to get them right side up before they passed out. I grabbed the newborn first. She was the closest to the window. I pull her out and hand her to a passerby. Then I go to the 4 year old who was even more gray then before. She was suffocating I cut her car seat out of the car and check her over. Her color immediately returned to normal. I got her c-spine secure and hand her to another good Samaritan. I go around the car to the 2 year old who has stopped screaming by now and is very cyonotic. No way in hell was I gonna loose these kids like we lost their mother. I reach in and cut his car seat out of the car. Again I inspect him quickly. He is fine and his color returns to normal. Again I secure his c-spine and hand him off. I have to stop myself and just breath. Hold it together Derin just keep it together is what I keep telling myself.

I double check that all 3 babies are being taken care of as good as can be.  Once I feel good about them and feel that they are in good hands I turned back towards the car. I threw up again. all I can see is mangled metal but I know she is in there. Its too much for even I to handle.  I told myself at that moment that I knew she was gone but that she shouldn't be alone.  Come on Derin I tell myself. Go to her she needs you. I walked slowly to the car for what seemed like an eternity. I sat down on the freeway right where she was. I softly brushed the glass and debris off and away from her face. By this point the adrenaline rush had worn off and I found myself crying hysterically. I grabbed her hand it was her left one. I still didn't see her right one because it was under the car. I held her hand so tightly for again what seemed forever. I spent this time telling my sweet and special friend how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn't save her, sorry her children don't have a mother, sorry that I chose to lead the pack rather then follow her (it could have been my car), sorry for her life ending the way it did. While I sat there holding her hand and rubbing her face I said my final good bye to my sweet angel friend. I reached up to her eyes which were still open and I ran my hands over them to close them. I held my dead friend until all 3 babies were loaded in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital. They took the newborn and the 2 year old together and the 4 year old in her own ambulance. I cried both times the doors were shut. I cried because it was finally sinking, what I had just witnessed and done. My friend is dead and she left behind 3 beautiful babies.

The entire next week was spend funeral planning and helping her family take care of those babies. Ashlee will forevermore be remembered as a beautiful, kind, loving friend, sister, mother, daughter, niece, and aunt. I take much comfort in knowing that she passed quickly and likely with no pain. Her babies will live their lives without their mother. I will honor Ashlee by always being there for her babies. Until we meet again Ash..... I love you and miss you so much more than I ever thought possible.

A letter to dad

Damn dad I miss you so much. I could really use your strong support and unconditional love right now. I'm really having a hard time. I know you are happy with mom but I miss you so much and my heart is so empty everyday without you and mom. Please keep looking out for me from above and Devin too she needs you as much as I do. I know this is stupid to put on face book but I don't care. We are both ok and will be okay without you here, it would just be easier if you were still here. Luckily you taught us well enough so that we can take care of ourselves and each other. We both watched you fight so damn hard for ten straight days to get better so I am glad you are now at peace and not trapped by a broken body. I pray everyday that you are at peace and happy. I love you and miss you dad more than I ever thought was possible. Until we meet again dad......

The Anatomy of life support part 3

The ICU doctors had ordered kidney dialysis. It was to clean dad's blood and filter it since by this point he was in complete renal (kidney) failure. Dialysis is typically a 3-4 hour process each session. Dad was far to sick for that because it's very hard on the body. The doc decided to use a different method for dialysis called CRRT (continuous renal replacement therapy) what this meant for dad is that he would be on kidney dialysis 24 hours a day continually. 

The doctor ordered dialysis I believe Wednesday or Thursday that the first week. It took 2 to 3 days for them to actually start the therapy. This was very upsetting to both my sister and I because we felt like they were delaying my dad in his healing process. They ended up starting it finally I forget what day it was. He was on it about 24 to 48 hours and then they decided to completely take him off. When we asked why they took him off of the dialysis, which was frustrating, because it was so important according to them start so that dad would start to improve, they told us it was because his blood was too thick it was clogging up the dialysis machine. I don't understand this because of he had a condition called atrial fibrillation which he had to take blood thinners for. And multiple times the doctors and nurses told us that his blood was too thin. So go ahead and figure that one out because we couldn't.  Anyway they were going to restart the dialysis on day 10 of his comatose state. He never made it that far. 

So essentially the kidney dialysis was to assist his body to heal and get better because he was in complete renal kidney failure. It was extremely hard to see him go through this and watch the blood coming out of his very sick body, through the machine and pump back into his body. I was Able to tolerate it because I believed this would help dad to come out of his comatose state and begin to heal his body. I WAS WRONG. The dialysis did absolutely no good for dad. It did not improve his health at all not even a smidgen but, on the plus side it also did not make anything worse or more life-threatening but it didn't do the job of making it better and that sucks. 

This post has been extremely hard on me so I am going to leave it at this and pick up next time on the last hours and days of dad's life in the last few days leading up to the very second we said our final good bye. 

Live, laugh, love and you can get through anything. Until next time.......

The Anatomy of life support part 2

I left off on Monday night.

I could only stay in the ICU for no more than 30 mins. It was so hard to see this man who was always so strong and burly being completely sedated in a medical induced coma. The put him the coma to allow his body time to rest so that he might get stronger. It didn't work. By Tuesday morning the Doctor decided to stop all the sedative medication to see if he would wake up and come out of the coma.

He didn't wake up at all on Tuesday. My sister and I had a hard time just sitting there watching our dad waste away to nothing. As I said in my last post his belly was so incredibly swollen yet his face was a dull gray color and completely hollowed out looking.  We were staying at a hotel less than 5 minutes away from St. Mary's Hospital. At this point the Dr. said to not get excited because he was still a very sick man. They believed that he got pancreatitis which caused his gall bladder to fail causing his liver and entire digestive tract to fail.

When we went to see him again Tuesday afternoon we talked to the Dr and nurses and got permission for my 7 and 8 year old nephews to come in the ICU and see dad. I took them in 1 at a time. I started with the youngest Mark (named after my dad ). I held his hand while we walked into the ICU. His dad stayed with the other nephew and my sister was already in dad's room. I explained that grandpa was very sick and was going to look different. I explained the best I could that he had lots of tubes and machines and such in him and in the room. This boy is such a tuff kiddo. We walked into the room. I told Mark that grandpa was able to hear him and to just talk to him as normal as you can. He was strong and brave. I picked him up so he could give his "papa" a kiss on the forehead. I walked him out and brought Ethan in. I explained everything all over again. Something you should know about Ethan is that he and his papa were the best of buddies. He tried to talk to dad but was very nervous and scared just as I would be at his age. I had been so strong since I got to the hospital on Monday however, when Ethan was getting ready to leave I again picked him up to give papa a kiss. I was strong until this little tender 8 year old said the most sad and profound thin I have ever heard. He looked at my dad and said " goodbye papa I will see you when I get to heaven" I LOST IT! Wow what a special boy he is. I am actually crying right now as I type this and remember his small voice saying those tender words.

After that I was so emotionally exhausted and worn out. We all went back to our hotel and I sat in my empty hotel room by myself and had a good hard cry. We didn't go back to see him that day because they were going to be inserting a tube into his gall bladder to drain the infection. He needed surgery to remove it all together but he was too sick and unstable for surgery so this was the next best thing they could do to try and relieve the infection to hopefully bring him out of the coma. It didn't help him to wake up.

In the next post I will talk about the dialysis they said was the fix all but they were wrong. Until next time....

The anatomy of life support part 1

We still don't know what type of infection caused my dad's life to end. It started out on Saturday with about an hour of vomiting. Within hours he was unresponsive and swollen. Within 24 hours of being in the hospital in Craig he declined so fast that he was life flighted to St Mary's hospital in Grand Junction... This was Sunday night. 

I left first thing Monday  morning after working a 12 hour graveyard shift. My sister was already there when I got there. She'd tried to prepare me for what dad looked like but I was not even able to process what I saw when I walked into his ICU room that very first time. This was Monday evening. 

I walked in I instantly felt like I was going to vomit. His vital signs were the lowest signs I've ever seen in my 8 years as a nurse. He was completely supported by medications and machines. He had tubes coming from every opening in his entire body except for his ears. He had numerous IV's including three directly in his neck.  He was swollen throughout his body almost past the point of recognition except his face which was hollow and gray in color. 

More details and such coming soon.......

My dad, my hero

On Saturday June 7, 2014, my dad went out to lunch his friend. He came home and took a nap for an hour or so and woke up vomiting. By about 7 o'clock that night he was unconscious at the hospital in Craig Colorado. He declined very quickly and was flight for life to Grand Junction Colorado to St. Mary's hospital. 

There he spent one night in a medically induced coma. Then they stopped all of this sedative medications. He Remained unresponsive for another three days. This whole time he was on a ventilator and blood pressure medication to keep him alive. We as in my sister and myself where right at his side as much as possible the entire 10 days he was on life support. On June 17, 2014 we made the courageous decision to take dad off all life support. He died at 4:05 PM

My dad died exactly 15 months and 13 days after my mother died. I will be posting more about my dad and the life he had but this is just a quick update to keep you all updated. I have been able to witness and feel the love support and prayers on behalf of my father and myself and my family. It is because of all of that but I am able to even lift my head up every single day. Thank you for everything. 

I love you dad and miss you more than I ever thought was possible ........ Until we meet again.....

Random thoughts of the day

I have had a few very good and amazing weeks lately, yet tragic at the same time. To begin with the positive would be best.

A week or so ago I got a call from a dear sweet friend. She told me she got pregnant and was not in a place to raise a baby. She asked if I was still interested in adopting. ABSOLUTELY!!!! She was super relieved and was feeling great so far in the pregnancy. I was able to be a support for her through the rough spots and rejoiced with her in the happiness. I am not going to lie I was so excited at the idea of FINALLY becoming the mother I feel I am destined to become. Now for the bad...... She called me today and said her ex-boyfriend had attacked her causing her to miscarry. He kicked and punched her in the stomach among other things the bastard did to my sweet friend. ----- side note---- He is currently in jail still I do believe. I am absolutely once again devastated because I can feel my dreams of motherhood slipping away once again. I knew better than to get excited this early but what can I say, I want to be a mommy more than almost anything else. I think I just need to realize this may not be in the cards for my and my sweet, patient, loving dreamboat of a husband.

On to better and happier things. I am loving my job! My hours are perfect, my boss is great, my co-workers are stellar, and my clients are the best I could ever ask for. I have the BEST friends I could ever ask for! I love that we can go days, weeks, or months without talking or seeing each other and we pick right up where we left off. I have without a single doubt the BEST husband ever possible. He is patient, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, dedicated soul. I could seriously go on for ever about him. When I was sick with the second cancer battle he was 100% at my side. He has continued to take care of me and everything in our lives without any complaint. He is my everything! Ya ya I know move on, enough already lol!!! Oh and 1 more thing... We are finally on the road to being more active in church. I love it but wish I wasn't so lazy. ( we have 9:30am church ugh!)

As usual here is another wonderful quote that I love and it rings so true to me.

"Friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever."

April and May 2014 update

April was an interesting month. I was "recruited" to change from the day program I work at to a residential house with 3 special needs adult men in wheelchairs. I struggled like crazy with the decision. I loved the clients I was working with and didn't want to leave them. That being said, I made the switch and am absolutely loving it! The people I work with as well as the clients I care for are the best of the best.
 
April also brought along a very much needed visit back home to Craig CO. My mom passed away on March 4, 2013. I went home then and again in May 2013. I had not been home since then. My dad had a health scare so I really needed to go see him. He is doing much better now. It was really nice to  be there for Easter. I have never spent Easter with my sister's kids who are 6 and 7. They were so happy to see me but even more excited to see my sweet husband, the one and only Uncle Phil. They LOVE him. It's super cute. We spent the long weekend there and are already trying to plan another trip back. I really miss my family even more so now that mom is gone.

May so far has been interesting. I am 6 pounds away from my first weight loss goal of 50 pounds. I wish it was more noticeable, but as big as I am it will take awhile to show more. My clothes are looser, and my eating habits are better. With all the health issues and stress of the past 7 years I have gained 100 pounds. I want to loose the extra 100 pounds and then another 50-75. I am learning that I don't have much control over many things in my life (so annoying since I am a control freak ) but I can control what I can put in my body.

I just celebrated my 33rd birthday here on planet earth. It was very boring. I worked graveyards the night before and the night of so I literally did nothing. I did however buy myself a new purse and got a massage as a gift to myself. Phil has been busily working from home for the past 6 or 8 months or so. He likes the freedom to do his thing on his terms. He is building and designing websites. He has been hard at work on the spring yard work and I LOVE him for it. I HATE yard work. We are growing a ton of new and old classics in our garden. I cannot wait for them to produce. For now this is the best  I can do to update. So I will leave off with this amazing quote and one of my all time favorites.

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.

James C. Dobson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99

"People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway."

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.

James C. Dobson

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99

Christmas 2013

Better late than never right??!!
This year was the first year in awhile that all of Phil's siblings were home for the holidays. His brother Tom and his wife Kasadie and their baby Adalynn live in South Carolina where Tom is stationed in the navy. His youngest brother Jesse is in the Army and is stationed in Georgia.

We had lots of fun spending time with everyone. This was also the first Christmas since my mom passed away so it was hard and happy at the same time. We played lots of games, went shooting, and spent lots of time together.

Once again here is a major picture overload!!

Yes ladies he is in LOVE with his guns lol. And he is single and ready to mingle!!!

Midway Utah Ice Castles

I know I haven't blogged forever but rather than try to catch up I will share about our awesome day in Midway!!!

Last month my friend Laura invited us to go with her and her family to the Midway Ice Castles. We talked about it and decided going at night would be super awesome since they light up the castles in lots of colors. We went on a Saturday night which, as I am sure you can imagine was SO PACKED!! We waited in line for what felt like a year but was most likely 1.5 hours.

The castles are all amazing and it was this photographers paradise. I took some amazing photos which are located below.

Tim and Laura have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and they loved it cold feet and all. We all had so much fun. It was very "snowy" in the walkways and there were times that our feet were so sunk down it was hard to walk. I wore regular tennis shoes..... BAD IDEA! My feet were freezing and wet the whole time. I really think everyone should go see this amazing art work while the weather is still holding up. Now for the picture over load.

  Another one taken straight up

  Another one taken straight up

 Holy FREAKY!!! haha

 This was taken directly above my head. So amazing!

 Laura, Tim, Faith and Spencer. They are great friends of ours and we love them dearly!

 Laura was 4.5 months preggo , Tim was carrying Faith and I was struggling just walking so Phil got to carry Spencer through the end. What a HUNK!!!

 Another one taken straight up

Letter to my honey #4

It is almost three in the morning and I can't sleep. I have been really sick the last few days. I'm coughing and have a fever. I am so happy that the hunt is almost over. I miss you so much. I haven't done too much this week since I am under the weather. I talked to my nigh school best friend Michelle the other day for over an hour. It was great catching up with her. We are trying to arrange a visit for both of us to meet in Craig. I hope you can come too!

I don't have much to say right now. I am heading to bed and am going to watch musicals all night and day!

I LOVE YOU!! See you soon my lover!

25 things every woman needs to know

I found this article on another blog I follow so I thought I would repost it. To read the original go HERE. All credit goes to Hannah Brencher you can find her HERE

25 things every woman needs to know

1) Life is a steep, uphill battle but it’s fierce & it’s beautiful & you’ll be sad to see it go if you live it right.

2) New people won’t stop coming into your life and opportunities won’t stop knocking on the door but you need to have the space for them. In all you currently have– be them relationships or obligations– step back and ask yourself “why.” If you can find the answer, hold tighter. If the answer escapes you, it’s time to let something go.

3) You should resolve to be awesome for the rest of your life. Right now. Do it.

4) Leggings, no matter how much we wish, will never one day magically transform into pants. Wearing them with tops that don’t cover your bum is not cute. Please, please, please stock up on pants.

5) Goals are not a January 1st kind of thing. Set them weekly. Set them monthly. Set them so that you are moving forward and always trying to progress. Life can grow stagnant without them… beware.

6) Tuna and barbeque sauce are as unlikely a couple as Sandy and Danny from Grease. However, they go together. They go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong. Don’t gag at the computer, I promise I am not fooling you. Mix the two together with some brown rice and you’ve got a bomb.com lunch.

7) Confidence is a sexy thing. Guys dig it. Girls dig it. We all dig it.

8) I agree with Bruno Mars and, if I were a good singer, I’d serenade you alongside him in singing how I hope he buys you flowers… and holds your hands… and takes you to parties if you like to dance. You deserve that. Always. Don’t think you should have less than that. You are worthy beyond words, gal.

9) And maybe Bruno Mars should be president because he’s also right to say that you are amazing. Just the way you are. No frill. No big introductions. You’re unlike anyone else and you should lean into that every morning. Every evening. Every hour.

9.5) Knowing your states & geography is a really precious thing. As a recovering “I didn’t pay attention in Geography class and forgot my states one by one so that boys would think I was ditzy & cute, and it was, in fact, ditzy & cute until the day I made the mistake of asking everyone in Missouri how they liked living down south,” I can say firsthand that it’s really wonderful to know that Russia isn’t on top of the US and that Delaware is, in fact, a state. The moral of this bloated story: guys have never wanted us to be stupid. They actually like brain cells. It’s a wonder & a mystery but they really kind of, sort of, definitely like girls with a noggin. ALL HAIL THE LADIES WHO LIKE HTML CODING & UNDERSTAND MARXIST THEORY!! HOLLAAAA!!! WE WINNNN AFTER ALL THESE YEARSSSS!!

10) Your spirit will never benefit from shallow people. You gotz to cut the toxic out of your life, boo.

11) And if you make mean comments, and you talk about people behind their back without ever trying to love them or see where they are coming from, you MIGHT be the toxic one. Oof. I’m not trying to burn you, just trying to say that relationships are too valuable to muddy them up with what you perceive to be the shortcomings of someone else. Big girls do bigger things than that.

12) So yea, I’ll drive the point home: gossip is shallow and stupid. Hobbies are better. Social good is best 

13) Nude pumps. They’re good for the soul. They are a must-have in any serious closet. Buy a pair one day and I can promise your whole entire style statement will benefit from them.

14) Here’s the truth: you are going to waste a lot of hours focusing on who you are not, or who you want to secretly be. But you won’t ever wake up and actually be that person. You’ve got to embrace what you bring to the table. If you don’t like what that is, have the courage to change it.

15) The world does not revolve around us. Turns out that we are just little points of punctuation in a much bigger story glittered with periods & commas & dashes. How are you helping that story to be better? How are you being the best dang point of punctuation that you can be?

16) If you ever find yourself frying Oreos on the stove top (and being an absolute BOSS at it), do not, I REPEAT, do not take the simmering pot of grease straight from the stove and pour it directly into the sink. The thing will straight up explode… And grease will fly everywhere… And you will risk burning your pretty little face off… And then everyone will probably call you “Vat of Grease Face” or “Grease Lightning” (what is with all the Grease references, Hannah?!) for the rest of your life… And, if they do, you can refer them to this blog post and tell them to read point #11. But still, dump the grease outside and keep your face intact.

17) If you want to run a serious business, if you want people to take you seriously, then start your engine and sign out some library books. Business books are proof that God loves us. Lean In by Sheryl Sandbergwill make you a better leader. Seth Godin is the dude you wanted to take the prom all these years and never knew it until you cracked open his book “Tribes.”

18) No matter how tech savvy we get, there is a need to say things to a person’s face. Please, for the love of lovelier things, have the courage to call someone up and verbalize your thoughts or meet for a coffee.Breaking a heart is hard stuff, stopping a relationship is never fun, but there will never be anything as loud as this statement: You are worth my words. You are worth my presence. You are worth, and will always be worth, more than just letters on a screen and a broken heart jammed in the crooks of an overflowing inbox. Face to face connections are fading faster, please don’t let them get away…

19) First impressions are important. Really. That truth never changes. So refer to point #4. Really meditate on it.

20) No matter what kind of interview you are gearing up for, there are certain standards you should always hold yourself to: wearing something other than jeans, not talking out your phone during the interview, sending a handwritten note afterwards. An interview means you want something but it doesn’t mean they have to give it to you.

21) Regret is a real thing. It’s going to happen. It’s going to come clomp-clomp-clomping into your life at some point. Don’t hold onto things forever but learn from them and let the past go. The past will be a dictator if you let her.

22) You never want to be the COTS (chick on the side). Girls, GIRLS!!!! IF A GUY HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS STILL TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU IN A “YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT” WAY, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. HE SHOULD MAN UP AND ACTUALLY LET THE OTHER GIRL GO. IF HE DOES NOT THEN WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. You are worth so much more than second string in relationships. And being a COTS is not an endearing title. Be the better lady and hop off his swag; you are breaking the heart of girl you don’t even know without ever really meaning to. (And truthfully: real men aren’t interested in finding another gal, they’re too wrapped up in loving the face off the one they already have.)

23) The women’s section of Old Navy and Target has failed us. If you ever really want to fully embrace to “oversize” look then just frolic over the men’s section. All those flannels you’ve been tugging at, wishing they would actually be “oversize,” are hanging out in the men’s section waiting to kiss your elbows with their flannelish lips. Roll up the sleeves and get going. And then wear them leggings having no shame at all!

24) Facebook is a tricky thing. This is an invitation to step back and ask yourself, should I really post that? In the days of diaries, we never had to worry about this. Now all that we say is a microphone so be very, very careful. Here’s a link to all the best quotes from Maya Angelou. The next time you feel like posting something really ugly that you are going to regret, take a stab at one of these instead:http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou

25) Darling, darling–the victim song is never going to fit you. It will never be good enough for your lungs. It will never be good enough for your time. You are stronger than you know and more graceful than you know. Don’t let the parts of you that want to be a victim live on any longer. You’ve got a voice… you’ve got a story… Do us all a favor and use it. Without any apologies. Without any stepping back. If ever you need a listener, come find me

Letter to my honey #3

Hey love,

Well we made it another day apart! Now that the weekend is over and I am back to work I am slightly less lonely and bored. I actually worked a longer day yesterday so by the time I got home I was so worn out I ate a bagel for dinner and went to bed.

I did my best to organize the bathroom mess. I don't think I did as good of a job as I could have but I did it. Today after work I am heading to Vanessa's to babysit the nieces and nephews. That should be fun yet stressful.

I also want to finish folding the rest of the laundry and hopefully do my nails. I had have some pretty painful issues with my back. It started the day before you left do you remember? Well it has not gotten better. I am going to look at getting a massage to see if it helps.

I hope you are well and not to sore from hiking up and down the mountains for the past 4 days. I hope you bring us home an elk. On that note, I really hope you take it somewhere to be processed or do it somewhere besides our home. The thought of cutting up a dead animal makes me want to vomit!

I love and miss you so much. I can't wait until you get home!

Love always,
Me

Letter to my Honey #2

Hello Lover,

I am still so very much missing you. I finally got my haircut for the first time in a long time. I can't wait to show you. I hope you like it.

How is hunting for Bambi's uncle elk going? I am so glad you are out having some male bonding time. I am so excited to see you. Hopefully you will bring home some meat!

I have been very bored so I had all these amazing plans for the house. I however did nothing but shop haha. That is so me. I will be working a full long day today although I was supposed to babysit the nieces and nephews after school but when I got to work I was asked to work late. Luckily I called your mom and she was able to go and cover for me. I will watch them tomorrow after work.

For tonight I am going to work on the bathroom organizing. What a huge job. I hope you will be happy with the progress. Oh and guess what???!!! I DID THE DISHES. yes me the one who would rather scrub toilets with a toothbrush than do dishes.

You have been gone for 3.5 days so only a week to go! I love you and miss you!

-Me

Letters to my honey while he is away hunting

My dear Phil,

I am very bummed you are away. I know you like your hunting and guy time but boy do I miss you!! Yesterday was day 1. I worked then went to get me some groceries for this week. I bought lots of things you don't like. Today I went and got my wedding ring redesigned and am so excited for you to see what I did. I used one of my mom's rings and added it to mine so she will always be with me. I also finally found the boots I was looking for and get this..... They were super on sale so I bought 4 pairs and only spent 15.00 what a steal!!

Rocky is acting very strange with you gone. You know how he ALWAYS follows me around when you are gone? Well its so much worse. I can't even go into the bathroom to brush my teeth without him whimpering and following me. He misses you too. Tonight I am going to make a yummy salad and sit down to wath some cheesy made for tv movies or a musical! I will write to you again!

I love you more than anything in the world. I can't wait to see you and I hope you all get the elk you are hunting! Until next time

Love always and forever,
Your very lonely wife :)

Be inspired to do great things

If you really look and listen to these words you can find the strength you need to succeed.

You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can be the clock
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You could go the distance
You could run the mile
You could walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records that thought never could be broke

Do it for your people
Do it for your pride
Never gonna know if you never even try

Do it for your country
Do it for name
Cause there's gonna be a day

When your, standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion

On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be true seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the king kong banging on your chest


(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can be the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

By The Script
"The hall of fame"

Mom's obituary

 Roberta Grove 1951 - 2013

Roberta Lee “Bobbi” (Martinez) Grove went home to her heavenly father on March 4, 2013, at her home in Craig.
Bobbi was born July 26, 1951, in Colorado Springs to Antonio and Ersie (Lucero) Martinez. She grew up in Colorado Springs with two brothers and four sisters. She was working as a taxi driver when she met Mark Grove. They married on Dec. 2, 1978, in Colorado Springs and were blessed with two beautiful daughters, Devin and Derin.
When her girls were young, Bobbi was their Girl Scouts leader. She loved being a stay-at-home mom, and when they were older, she worked at the Best Western as a desk clerk. Bobbi loved to read. When the Amazon Kindle came out, she was thrilled (it was a book that was easy to hold and lightweight). Making crafts was great, too, and she was good at it. She made beautiful jewelry but had a hard time using the beads, because once they were used, they were gone. She especially loved working on her family history.
Bobbi loved her grandsons. The joy, laughter, fun and energy they brought into her life brought a smile to her face every time she thought of them. Each step they took, no matter how small, made her so proud. She loved to tell stories about them but worried that she talked about them too much.
A day for friendship, catching up and laughter with a few tears, hanging out with the “Yard Sale Mafia,” the name she gave her friends as they went looking for treasures and sometimes just having lunch. She was an awesome friend.
In 35 years of marriage, Bobbi and Mark had many adventures: England, Paris and Hawaii, exploring new places with lots of road trips. She was a great wife, wonderful mother and beloved “Mia.”
Bobbi is survived by her husband of 35 years, Mark Grove; daughters Devin (Michael) Jurgensen, of Craig, Derin (Phil) Harvey and Joey, of Santaquin, Utah; brothers Tony Martinez, of Lafayette, Ind., Leonard (Jan) Martinez, of Denver; sisters Rose (Brian) Salladay, of Callahan, Judy (Jerry) Kirchner, of Colorado Springs, Cathy (Gary) Garrison, of Colorado Springs, and Patricia Bynum, of Michigan; cousin Francis Martinez, of Denver; five grandsons, Conner, Ethan and Mark Jurgensen, of Craig, Mikey Jurgensen, of Loveland, and Holden Grove, of Colorado Springs; many nieces and nephews; and best friends Janice Hunsaker, Janice Moore, Terry Welch and Donalene Griffin — “The Yard Sale Mafia.”
A memorial service for Roberta Lee “Bobbi” (Martinez) Grove was March 9, 2013, at Journey at First Baptist church, 1150 W. Ninth St. in Craig.
Cremation has taken place, with interment at a later date.

As of now

I have been very absent from the blogging world. So much has happened in the last few months. I would love to play catch up but that is near impossible. Let me just summarize the past :)

The main big thing has been us going from a family of just Phil and I to a family of 3. Yes we are now first time parents to an 11 year old boy. He is actually my cousins' child. Things happened and he needed a new home. We began the process of getting him about August-ish 2011. Well a year and a half later he joined us on November 14, 2012. Holy big challenge and change for us. This is such an awesome thing. We love being parents. We have major struggles with him but for the majority of the time he is a really sweet, kind boy! We will call him "J" for now on here at least until the adoption is finalized.

I wanted to shoot out a quick update. On another note my Mother passed away last Monday. I will post about her very soon. Stay tuned.

Oh yes, I DID!

Here we are at the end of September and I did it. I don't even care all that much for the day and season. Maybe its the preparing for a child or the incredible fall weather. Whatever the reason I am ok with the result. What did I do you ask?????  I listened....... to........... Wait for it............................. CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!!!! CRAZY! Have a splendid day!

7 years ago tomorrow

September 1, 2005 was a Thursday that I will never forget. This is the day that I finally accepted the diagnosis that would forever change my life. I had been to 9 yes 9 different doctors hoping to receive a different answer to my symptoms. I got test after test and they all came back the same. Ovarian Cancer stage T3c progressing to stage 4. The prognosis was grim. I hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried, laughed, yelled, and broke things. I went through the 5 stages of grief. I will never forget how I felt that day. Over the next 6-8 months I would spend close to two months in the hospital, being operated on 5 times, and experience two grueling months of Chemotherapy. It is not an experience that I would ever want to relive.

The doctor told that I need an immediate hysterectomy. I refused. I was 24, just divorced and had no kids. I was told because of my choice relapse rates for stage 3 ovarian cancer are close to eighty percent.  He then tried to make me feel better about it by stating that, "Scientists are aggressively working towards creating an array of strategies for reducing relapse rates." HAHA I did not care.

Well he was right because 4 years later, after being in remission for 3 years I relapsed. After the last experience I vowed to NEVER endure chemo again. This time I used alternative medicine and a very aggressive radiation regimen.  Coming up on 9/12/12 will be my 1 year mark of being in remission again! I did. Another year.

There are days when I still am too stiff to get out of bed, or have to take tons of pills just to get moving. I am grateful for those days because they remind me I am alive and I can do hard things! Thank you to everyone who has helped me and continues to help me conquer all the crap life throws at me.