Ultra sound

So I talked my way into an appointment this afternoon for the ultra sound. Please pray for me.

A Lump

Last night I found what felt like a grape sized hard lump in my right breast. I, being me totally freaked out. I had trouble sleeping and have been nauseous since I found it. I went to my Dr. first thing this morning. He was slightly concerned about it especially considering my Cancer history. He has ordered an ultra sound of both breasts to confirm what we are dealing with. He said in can be anything from a lymph-node to a tumor. He was mainly worried because of the size of it and that is doesn't move. It also has a sort of tail feeling to the end of it. I am trying to cope with the fears while I wait for the ultra sound. If I lose it now I don't know what to do. I am scared and nervous. Please keep me in your prayers. I WILL NOT FIGHT CANCER AGAIN. I will not put my husband through it ever again, or my friends and family again. I will NOT DO IT! My life may end early and I may not live much past the day I am diagnosed with it if I am. There is not much I can control but this may be one thing. I will post after the ultrasound with the results. Who knows, maybe it's a fluke and everything is just fine and dandy.

Remember back when I found out I was in remission for the second time? I was happy but said I was just wondering when it will come back. I pray this is nothing major. My ovaries are doing good and I am still in remission from that.

Life lessons.

I read this and thought it was worth sharing. Especially today when life is in limbo and my future is uncertain.

Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at
least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read
to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of
the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote
the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most
requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so
here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are
sick. Your friends and family will.

5.Don't buy stuff you don't need.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no
idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't
be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye
But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter
weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to
you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the
fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.
Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words
'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because
of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw
everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already
have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside

I have been very up and down the past few weeks. Obviously this is nothing new for me. But this time it feels so much worse. We have been working so hard to prepare for our special secret life changing event, which I hope to reveal very soon. I feel like I have zero control over this whole event. It frustrates the crap out of me.

The past few weeks have just drained me and I am having a hard time pulling myself out of this funk. I did some retail therapy and had a girls day last weekend with Laura and the weekend before I got to have a fun overnight-er with her as well. While these things werePHENOMENAL, at the end of the day I felt even worse. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

I think I have too many things and too much on plate but I cannot stop any of it. I am the laziest, dumbest, horrible wife, friend, and human. I want to be the person people like to be around and such. How can I expect others to see me in a positive when I have a hard time seeing myself that way. I know this is a big long whine post but..... it's my only outlet at the time.

Anyway I am enjoying the weather right now. Yes I mean 75 degrees one day and snow the next I LOVE IT!!! For now I leave you with this quote:

JONATHAN ANTOINE AUDITION - BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2012

I am simply amazed! Wow Not at all what I was expecting. If I close my eyes she sounds just like the one and only Pavarotti.....

What dreams may come

I have no idea how or why this happens. I have vivid dreams often. Lately My dreams have been what I think is magical. Now I don't mean unicorns and Harry Potter. Magical like what I dream has come true. However this is limited to close friends and their children. Let me clarify so I don't sound like a creepy pedophile :)

So it started back in early summer of 2011. I had a dream about my bestie Laura. I dreamt that she was pregnant with a boy and they named him Sven. Mind you she did not appear preggers in real life nor did I know she was preggers. So I called her and asked her if she was. Low and behold she was about 2 months along or so. Well she finally found out that yep I was accurate. She was having a boy. The name however did not work they named him Spencer and he was born on Christmas eve. I was able to spend a lot of time with them in his first minutes of life and even changed his first diaper. I got to spend time at their home and stayed the night so Laura and Tim could sleep. I was in baby heaven. Nothing soothes my soul like sweet baby snuggles and smothering them with kisses.

Next came my dream about Whitney another Bestie. I had a dream that she was pregnant with a little girl and they named her Sofie or Sofia I forget. Anyway again I called her first thing the next morning and asked if she was preggo. She responded, um yeah I am about 6 weeks along. As with Laura I had NO idea she was expecting. Well a few weeks ago she let me know that yes she is indeed having a girl! Crazy right?!!! She is not due for a few months but she did say they will not be using the name! Wow this was getting kinda weird.

The next dream was about miss Ashley Rose. Same thing I dreamt she was preggo with a girl but I forget the name. Again I called her and she was like, yes I am but I have not told anyone. I think she was around 6-8 weeks. I don't know yet if she know what she is having but based on the success of my previous dreams, I am guessing a girl.

One more. Laura's sweet sister Tammy. I dreamt she was preggo with a girl and I forget what she named her but I wrote it in my journal and will have to look it up. Anyway I don't talk to Tammy a ton but we always see each other when I go to Laura's house for good times. I called Laura to see if Tammy was and low and behold she was. Laura couldn't think of how I knew and when I told her about the dream we laughed.

Whether this is all a fluke or a divine thing I do not know but I love it. Now if only I would dream I am pregnant! Happy Wednesday!

To hoard or not to hoard?

We have been so busy organizing, de-junking, and condensing all of our belongings. I am staying pretty tight-lipped about the major reason for this, but for now I will say we are preparing a special room for a special person, for a special reason ;)

We have WAY TOO MUCH CRAP!!! My husband says I am a hoarder, I say I just love things and stuff! Anyway, I had a total of about 6 5 foot 5-shelf book cases full of any type of book, manuals, text books etc. I love the feel, smell, info, fun and everything else in real life books. Yes I have a kindle fire but I still just love books. Anyway, I reduced my collection down by over half! Yeah for me. As anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to get rid of anything really. I cried, had anxiety. But I feel good about it because the reward is greater. (my super secret plan that will be revealed as the time is better). My sweet husband was so supportive and helpful and patient with me. I am blessed to have him.

I need to cut this short but will try to post again before I let 6 more weeks pass. I will leave you with this quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."