Epic Fail

It seems like no matter how hard I try or how much work I put into relationships, I still get crapped on. I must not be trying hard enough. I have lots of "friends" and "family" but when it really matters or when it really counts to me, I am simply not good enough. I must be doing something wrong. For the life of me I cannot figure out what it is. Do you know?

I have so many people who have been so positive in my life over the years. For that I am so very thankful. I also have the negative influences in my life. For that I am also grateful. It has all helped to shape and mold me into the person I am today. However I must not be as good of a person as I thought I was. I am trying to figure out what I keep screwing up.

I have been the type of friend, sister, daughter, whatever that dropped everything the second that my family and friends have called and asked for my help. I have stayed up for nights on end to help my friends get rest while their newborn is colicky. I organize parties and dinners for all sorts of things for others. I throw and attend baby showers when in fact I HATE the fact that I cannot have my own children naturally or at all for that matter. I am the medical person that people call for advice or help with anything. I organize a team every year for Relay for Life to raise awareness and money to fight the leading killing disease in America. I always say that if I have met you even once we are friends, and if we are not friends it's only because we have not met yet. I will pray for you when I think you might need or if you ask me to and I am not a person who prays a lot. I try to be the best friend, sister, daughter whatever that I can. My friends have become my family in recent years as well as Phil's family has become my own. I feel all of this slipping away. I feel as distant as ever. What am I doing wrong? I am at my absolute wits end and am tired of getting crapped on.

Maybe I am just writing all these things to cheer me up, to validate myself. I don't know. I do know that I am so sad right now. My heart is broken. I know there are 2 ways to change things you don't like in this world. Change the entire world, or change yourself. The easiest one is obvious to me. Anyway I have complained plenty and I am sorry for whining. I know I cannot change others but can change myself. Have a blessed day.