No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside

I have been very up and down the past few weeks. Obviously this is nothing new for me. But this time it feels so much worse. We have been working so hard to prepare for our special secret life changing event, which I hope to reveal very soon. I feel like I have zero control over this whole event. It frustrates the crap out of me.

The past few weeks have just drained me and I am having a hard time pulling myself out of this funk. I did some retail therapy and had a girls day last weekend with Laura and the weekend before I got to have a fun overnight-er with her as well. While these things werePHENOMENAL, at the end of the day I felt even worse. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

I think I have too many things and too much on plate but I cannot stop any of it. I am the laziest, dumbest, horrible wife, friend, and human. I want to be the person people like to be around and such. How can I expect others to see me in a positive when I have a hard time seeing myself that way. I know this is a big long whine post but..... it's my only outlet at the time.

Anyway I am enjoying the weather right now. Yes I mean 75 degrees one day and snow the next I LOVE IT!!! For now I leave you with this quote:

JONATHAN ANTOINE AUDITION - BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2012

I am simply amazed! Wow Not at all what I was expecting. If I close my eyes she sounds just like the one and only Pavarotti.....

What dreams may come

I have no idea how or why this happens. I have vivid dreams often. Lately My dreams have been what I think is magical. Now I don't mean unicorns and Harry Potter. Magical like what I dream has come true. However this is limited to close friends and their children. Let me clarify so I don't sound like a creepy pedophile :)

So it started back in early summer of 2011. I had a dream about my bestie Laura. I dreamt that she was pregnant with a boy and they named him Sven. Mind you she did not appear preggers in real life nor did I know she was preggers. So I called her and asked her if she was. Low and behold she was about 2 months along or so. Well she finally found out that yep I was accurate. She was having a boy. The name however did not work they named him Spencer and he was born on Christmas eve. I was able to spend a lot of time with them in his first minutes of life and even changed his first diaper. I got to spend time at their home and stayed the night so Laura and Tim could sleep. I was in baby heaven. Nothing soothes my soul like sweet baby snuggles and smothering them with kisses.

Next came my dream about Whitney another Bestie. I had a dream that she was pregnant with a little girl and they named her Sofie or Sofia I forget. Anyway again I called her first thing the next morning and asked if she was preggo. She responded, um yeah I am about 6 weeks along. As with Laura I had NO idea she was expecting. Well a few weeks ago she let me know that yes she is indeed having a girl! Crazy right?!!! She is not due for a few months but she did say they will not be using the name! Wow this was getting kinda weird.

The next dream was about miss Ashley Rose. Same thing I dreamt she was preggo with a girl but I forget the name. Again I called her and she was like, yes I am but I have not told anyone. I think she was around 6-8 weeks. I don't know yet if she know what she is having but based on the success of my previous dreams, I am guessing a girl.

One more. Laura's sweet sister Tammy. I dreamt she was preggo with a girl and I forget what she named her but I wrote it in my journal and will have to look it up. Anyway I don't talk to Tammy a ton but we always see each other when I go to Laura's house for good times. I called Laura to see if Tammy was and low and behold she was. Laura couldn't think of how I knew and when I told her about the dream we laughed.

Whether this is all a fluke or a divine thing I do not know but I love it. Now if only I would dream I am pregnant! Happy Wednesday!

To hoard or not to hoard?

We have been so busy organizing, de-junking, and condensing all of our belongings. I am staying pretty tight-lipped about the major reason for this, but for now I will say we are preparing a special room for a special person, for a special reason ;)

We have WAY TOO MUCH CRAP!!! My husband says I am a hoarder, I say I just love things and stuff! Anyway, I had a total of about 6 5 foot 5-shelf book cases full of any type of book, manuals, text books etc. I love the feel, smell, info, fun and everything else in real life books. Yes I have a kindle fire but I still just love books. Anyway, I reduced my collection down by over half! Yeah for me. As anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to get rid of anything really. I cried, had anxiety. But I feel good about it because the reward is greater. (my super secret plan that will be revealed as the time is better). My sweet husband was so supportive and helpful and patient with me. I am blessed to have him.

I need to cut this short but will try to post again before I let 6 more weeks pass. I will leave you with this quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."