Oh yes, I DID!

Here we are at the end of September and I did it. I don't even care all that much for the day and season. Maybe its the preparing for a child or the incredible fall weather. Whatever the reason I am ok with the result. What did I do you ask?????  I listened....... to........... Wait for it............................. CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!!!! CRAZY! Have a splendid day!

7 years ago tomorrow

September 1, 2005 was a Thursday that I will never forget. This is the day that I finally accepted the diagnosis that would forever change my life. I had been to 9 yes 9 different doctors hoping to receive a different answer to my symptoms. I got test after test and they all came back the same. Ovarian Cancer stage T3c progressing to stage 4. The prognosis was grim. I hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried, laughed, yelled, and broke things. I went through the 5 stages of grief. I will never forget how I felt that day. Over the next 6-8 months I would spend close to two months in the hospital, being operated on 5 times, and experience two grueling months of Chemotherapy. It is not an experience that I would ever want to relive.

The doctor told that I need an immediate hysterectomy. I refused. I was 24, just divorced and had no kids. I was told because of my choice relapse rates for stage 3 ovarian cancer are close to eighty percent.  He then tried to make me feel better about it by stating that, "Scientists are aggressively working towards creating an array of strategies for reducing relapse rates." HAHA I did not care.

Well he was right because 4 years later, after being in remission for 3 years I relapsed. After the last experience I vowed to NEVER endure chemo again. This time I used alternative medicine and a very aggressive radiation regimen.  Coming up on 9/12/12 will be my 1 year mark of being in remission again! I did. Another year.

There are days when I still am too stiff to get out of bed, or have to take tons of pills just to get moving. I am grateful for those days because they remind me I am alive and I can do hard things! Thank you to everyone who has helped me and continues to help me conquer all the crap life throws at me.

It's a crazy life but it's my life

I feel like someone has hit my fast forward button and will not turn it off. :) Time is just going so quickly I need to slow down. The only thin gin my life that I want to go quickly is this adoption process, which seems to be the only thing not going fast. We will get 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I cannot discus too much on that topic but I'm stressed out enough about it to ask you to pray for us for strength and for "him" to be comforted in this stressful time. We need all the prayers we can get in the hopes that this will FINALLY happen for us.

We have not been doing anything too exciting or amazing. This has been a very draining and hot summer thus far. In the last month we have spent lots of time working on our house and yard and things like that. Well, let's be honest..... Phil has done 99% of the work but I am there to encourage (and possibly complain) him to "keep up the good work honey". Phil has built me a beautiful wooden bench for my beautiful new front porch he put up awhile back. I love to sit out there in the evening and take pictures of the gorgeous sunsets we have been having. Our front door and porch face south so it gets nice and shady and cool(ish) in the evening. I LOVE IT and him for building it. Oh, did I mention he built it while I was at work as a surprise? So amazing I know.

Remember my post about my dreams about my friends being pregnant? Well most off those sweet dear friends have since had the babies except for 1, Ashley. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to part of these precious babies lives. I will try to remember to post pictures of them all including some of other friends babies that I am blessed enough to be able to have in my life. This gives me the ability to swing by and give lots of snuggles and smooches to. My life is so blessed. I have the BEST husband in the world. He is more patient than I ever thought was even humanly possible. His family is my family and I love more than I ever thought I could too. I am blessed to have a tight circle of friends that are there for me through think and thin. They are truly the BEST friends I could have. Thank you Laura, Whitney, Ashley, Vanessa, Carrie, Janae, and many, many more for your continued love and support. I'm know I am forgetting a few but they know who they are and I love you all more than you know. 

My brain and body are very tired right now so I am off to relax in a hot bath and watch a musical. I have been terrible at updating my blog but it is on my goal list to get better at blogging in the very near future. As everyone that knows me knows that I LOVE QUOTES. Funny, happy, sad, lovey, and every other kind in between. As usual I will leave you with this quote: "If you want to be happy, set a goal that
commands your thoughts, liberates your
energy, and inspires your hopes."
- Andrew Carnegie

Also stay tuned. I am revamping the blog to make it cuter and something new. Love and hugs from me to you!! :)

For Good from Wicked covered by Lindsay & Morgan

This is a very beautiful song and every time I listen to it I think of my very closest friends. Laura, Whitney, Ashley, Vanessa, Connie, Nat, Kimie, to name a few and a ton of others. I truly am a better person simply for knowing you. Thank you to all those in my life that have molded, uplifted, and encouraged me. I am who I am today because of all of you. There are too many sweet people in my life to name but know that I love and appreciate you now and always. Love always!!!! Below are the lyrics and at the end is one of my favorite singers doing a cover of it. She is the brunette. Lindsey.


(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/for-good-lyrics-wicked.html ]
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Meeting Joey

We are home now from our very long and very fun visit with Joey. I thought I would let you know what we did and how it went. Overall I give the visit a 9 out of 10. We got in at noon on Saturday. We picked up Joey and went to lunch and did some shopping. We went to lunch and came to our amazing hotel room. Joey and I went swimming. We have a waterproof video camera so we had some fun playing with that in the pool. When I get the videos uploaded online I will send you the links. They are pretty entertaining. Phil and Joey spent the rest of the first night building a cool model car. You should all ask him to see it since he was super excited with it. We were pretty worn out the first night from the long drive so we all crashed out early.

On Sunday we got up early and ate a yummy breakfast at the hotel! Thanks to Miss Lisa we were given tickets to the Denver zoo. HOLY FUN!!! We spent around 5 hours there and just enjoyed spending time together for the first time as a family. After seeing all the animals we could possibly see, we went to the Cherry Creek Mall. Joey wanted to go to build a bear. We decided to have lunch first. This is where I saw Joey in ALL his glory. He mentioned he wants an earring at our house. I told him in our home boys do not wear earrings only girls. Joey shut down and was very inappropriate. He wanted to go to the FCC but we stayed firm with him and would not move until he acted properly. That took about an hour. Once he "came back around" we took him to build a bear. He LOVED it. He chose a blear bear with white stars on it. He picked out a Denver Broncos outfit  and cleats for the bear which he named after his brother Carlos. He did not put the bear down. He even changed into PJ's and seat belted it in the car.

By Sunday night we were pretty wiped out. We went swimming again and played with the underwater video camera again. We finished then had a serious talk with Joey. We let him know that when he comes to our house we will have rules. Rules that he will most likely not care for but the bottom line is that this will be how we run our house and we are in charge. We then asked him How he felt about it and if he thought he would be able to handle that. He took some space than came back and said Yes he wants to come live with us rules and all. HE and Phil stayed up pretty late that night building a model airplane. We slept than had breakfast and returned him to the FCC.

I am really glad we got to go and spend this valuable time getting to know Joey! Thanks to everyone who helped make this trip possible. I feel like it was a good experience and I am glad we did it.

Lady bug shower decor

We made the cute little ladybug toothpicks using a cricut machine. The punch was cranberry juice, pineapple juice, ginger ale and fresh blueberries for the "spots".
I made a cute ladybug label that we glued to the water bottles. I will post more pics again soon. Leave a comment if you have questions or need ideas.

 

Kimie's Shower

A few weeks ago I the extreme pleasure of throwing my super sweet pseud sister Kimie and lady bug baby shower. We have tons of food, fun, and played some entertaining games. The pictures below are not the greatest but I will be editing them all soon and plan to post more then. Thank you Kimie for allowing me the pleasure to celebrate you and precious Averie Elizabeth. Mose pictures to follow soon.


 

This to shall pass....

Yesterday was hard but today I am so craving a smoke. I officailly had my last ciggarette on Sunday April 15th, 2012. I have a stash of hot tamales and sunflower seeds, bum, and suckers. I don't know why this is so hard but I am staying true to myself. I WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!! I sure could use the support and positive JUJU that you can send my way!!! Thanks for the support.

New life? yes please!

As of right now I have gone 26 hours with out a cigarette. Oh, you didn't know I smoke again? I quit for 4 years and then started again about 3 years ago. I am restless, frustrated and anxious. I was also planning on stopping soda. I have only had about 1/8 of soda today compared to what I normally have. I cannot stop both at the same time or I will go NUTS!!! Stay tuned to see if I fail again or can finally kick these terrible, sickening, and deadly habits! This is the first step in the new, healthy, amazing, beautiful Derin transformation.

Ultrasound Results

So I had the ultra sound yesterday and I even got the results right away. Well, all your prayers helped and the lump is nothing to be worried about. We will keep an eye on it and check it in a month or two to see if it is smaller, bigger, or the same. For now I am counting my blessing and am so relieved about this. I was so scared. Thank you Laura and Whitney for being amazing friends and praying for me. You are amazing friends and you really helped me yesterday. All my friends are so wonderful. Thank you all for your continued support, love and friendship!

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

Ultra sound

So I talked my way into an appointment this afternoon for the ultra sound. Please pray for me.

A Lump

Last night I found what felt like a grape sized hard lump in my right breast. I, being me totally freaked out. I had trouble sleeping and have been nauseous since I found it. I went to my Dr. first thing this morning. He was slightly concerned about it especially considering my Cancer history. He has ordered an ultra sound of both breasts to confirm what we are dealing with. He said in can be anything from a lymph-node to a tumor. He was mainly worried because of the size of it and that is doesn't move. It also has a sort of tail feeling to the end of it. I am trying to cope with the fears while I wait for the ultra sound. If I lose it now I don't know what to do. I am scared and nervous. Please keep me in your prayers. I WILL NOT FIGHT CANCER AGAIN. I will not put my husband through it ever again, or my friends and family again. I will NOT DO IT! My life may end early and I may not live much past the day I am diagnosed with it if I am. There is not much I can control but this may be one thing. I will post after the ultrasound with the results. Who knows, maybe it's a fluke and everything is just fine and dandy.

Remember back when I found out I was in remission for the second time? I was happy but said I was just wondering when it will come back. I pray this is nothing major. My ovaries are doing good and I am still in remission from that.

Life lessons.

I read this and thought it was worth sharing. Especially today when life is in limbo and my future is uncertain.

Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at
least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read
to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of
the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote
the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most
requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so
here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are
sick. Your friends and family will.

5.Don't buy stuff you don't need.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no
idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't
be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye
But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter
weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to
you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the
fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.
Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words
'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because
of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw
everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already
have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside

I have been very up and down the past few weeks. Obviously this is nothing new for me. But this time it feels so much worse. We have been working so hard to prepare for our special secret life changing event, which I hope to reveal very soon. I feel like I have zero control over this whole event. It frustrates the crap out of me.

The past few weeks have just drained me and I am having a hard time pulling myself out of this funk. I did some retail therapy and had a girls day last weekend with Laura and the weekend before I got to have a fun overnight-er with her as well. While these things werePHENOMENAL, at the end of the day I felt even worse. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

I think I have too many things and too much on plate but I cannot stop any of it. I am the laziest, dumbest, horrible wife, friend, and human. I want to be the person people like to be around and such. How can I expect others to see me in a positive when I have a hard time seeing myself that way. I know this is a big long whine post but..... it's my only outlet at the time.

Anyway I am enjoying the weather right now. Yes I mean 75 degrees one day and snow the next I LOVE IT!!! For now I leave you with this quote:

JONATHAN ANTOINE AUDITION - BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2012

I am simply amazed! Wow Not at all what I was expecting. If I close my eyes she sounds just like the one and only Pavarotti.....

What dreams may come

I have no idea how or why this happens. I have vivid dreams often. Lately My dreams have been what I think is magical. Now I don't mean unicorns and Harry Potter. Magical like what I dream has come true. However this is limited to close friends and their children. Let me clarify so I don't sound like a creepy pedophile :)

So it started back in early summer of 2011. I had a dream about my bestie Laura. I dreamt that she was pregnant with a boy and they named him Sven. Mind you she did not appear preggers in real life nor did I know she was preggers. So I called her and asked her if she was. Low and behold she was about 2 months along or so. Well she finally found out that yep I was accurate. She was having a boy. The name however did not work they named him Spencer and he was born on Christmas eve. I was able to spend a lot of time with them in his first minutes of life and even changed his first diaper. I got to spend time at their home and stayed the night so Laura and Tim could sleep. I was in baby heaven. Nothing soothes my soul like sweet baby snuggles and smothering them with kisses.

Next came my dream about Whitney another Bestie. I had a dream that she was pregnant with a little girl and they named her Sofie or Sofia I forget. Anyway again I called her first thing the next morning and asked if she was preggo. She responded, um yeah I am about 6 weeks along. As with Laura I had NO idea she was expecting. Well a few weeks ago she let me know that yes she is indeed having a girl! Crazy right?!!! She is not due for a few months but she did say they will not be using the name! Wow this was getting kinda weird.

The next dream was about miss Ashley Rose. Same thing I dreamt she was preggo with a girl but I forget the name. Again I called her and she was like, yes I am but I have not told anyone. I think she was around 6-8 weeks. I don't know yet if she know what she is having but based on the success of my previous dreams, I am guessing a girl.

One more. Laura's sweet sister Tammy. I dreamt she was preggo with a girl and I forget what she named her but I wrote it in my journal and will have to look it up. Anyway I don't talk to Tammy a ton but we always see each other when I go to Laura's house for good times. I called Laura to see if Tammy was and low and behold she was. Laura couldn't think of how I knew and when I told her about the dream we laughed.

Whether this is all a fluke or a divine thing I do not know but I love it. Now if only I would dream I am pregnant! Happy Wednesday!

To hoard or not to hoard?

We have been so busy organizing, de-junking, and condensing all of our belongings. I am staying pretty tight-lipped about the major reason for this, but for now I will say we are preparing a special room for a special person, for a special reason ;)

We have WAY TOO MUCH CRAP!!! My husband says I am a hoarder, I say I just love things and stuff! Anyway, I had a total of about 6 5 foot 5-shelf book cases full of any type of book, manuals, text books etc. I love the feel, smell, info, fun and everything else in real life books. Yes I have a kindle fire but I still just love books. Anyway, I reduced my collection down by over half! Yeah for me. As anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to get rid of anything really. I cried, had anxiety. But I feel good about it because the reward is greater. (my super secret plan that will be revealed as the time is better). My sweet husband was so supportive and helpful and patient with me. I am blessed to have him.

I need to cut this short but will try to post again before I let 6 more weeks pass. I will leave you with this quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

We Are The World 25 For Haiti (YouTube Edition)

Awesome Sky

Tonight when I took Rocky out to go potty the sunset was MINDBLOWING. These pics do it no justice. I tried to get a good pic but alas this is as good as it gets. Enjoy!!!!

Health Update

I have been asked a lot lately about my health. While I am currently in REMISSION, I continue to have several health issue that will likely linger for years. This is very frustrating for me. I haven't felt "great" for a long time. I am frustrated because I honestly don't remember what it feels like to feel "normal". I have good days and bad days still. There are more good than bad for now but yet I still struggle. My immune system is still very susceptible to illness and therefore have to be careful around sick friends and co-workers. But alas, I am alive and breathing!!! How amazing is that? Pretty amazing if I do say so myself.

I think we all take many things for granted, especially me. It is days like today when I am home from work cause my bones and joints are so painful that I struggle the most with this. I am blessed with a great husband. He takes amazing care of me and never utters even a muffled complaint. He has seen me at my very worst both physically and mentally. I have THE.BEST.FRIENDS.EVER!!! They truly are amazing. They bless me everyday. They share their children with me and let me tell you..... Nothing soothes my soul life snuggles and hugs and smiles from all their sweet miracles.

I am not one to make "resolutions" but I DO love to make goals alone as well as with Phil. I am surprised with what I came up with this year. I will try and remember to post some soon. For now I will continue to count my blessings daily and I encourage you all to do the same.

What is the moral of this post??? Yes we have trials, struggles, health issues, and general CRAP that we get dealt in this life but if we try harder, look deeper, and think longer, we are all truly blessed.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Holiday Recap

Well the holiday season has now passed. Boy was it a whirlwind. I can officially say I am completely partied out for awhile. We had a wonderful Iverson (Phil's Mom's side of the family) family reunion/Christmas party on the 23rd. We had 58 people in the house. Can you say CRAZY??!! We have some amazing food and even better company. I will post pics soon. I need to upload them still. Phil and I enjoyed a quiet-ish Christmas eve. I honestly can say that I witnessed a true Christmas miracle at 10:31 am on Christmas eve. My wonderful friend Laura had her baby. I was able to be apart of this miracle in more ways than I ever imagined. You can read her amazing birth story here. I will warn you though that when you read it you will see why I keep telling her she is the woman that all mothers envy. I have never in my medical career seen such a fast birth.

Christmas day was filled with a wonderful and huge breakfast, presents, snacking, and dinner. All the while enjoying spending time with my favorite family! I am truly blessed to have such great in-laws! We also had another little shindig with some more family for new years eve. HOLY JUNK FOOD!!!! We ate and played and had a blast. Pictures to come.

So here is my quick holiday recap. I pray everyone had a safe and wonderful season. Until next time.......