Sunday, August 3, 2014
A letter to dad
Damn dad I miss you so much. I could really use your strong support and unconditional love right now. I'm really having a hard time. I know you are happy with mom but I miss you so much and my heart is so empty everyday without you and mom. Please keep looking out for me from above and Devin too she needs you as much as I do. I know this is stupid to put on face book but I don't care. We are both ok and will be okay without you here, it would just be easier if you were still here. Luckily you taught us well enough so that we can take care of ourselves and each other. We both watched you fight so damn hard for ten straight days to get better so I am glad you are now at peace and not trapped by a broken body. I pray everyday that you are at peace and happy. I love you and miss you dad more than I ever thought was possible. Until we meet again dad......
Saturday, July 26, 2014
The Anatomy of life support part 3
The ICU doctors had ordered kidney dialysis. It was to clean dad's blood and filter it since by this point he was in complete renal (kidney) failure. Dialysis is typically a 3-4 hour process each session. Dad was far to sick for that because it's very hard on the body. The doc decided to use a different method for dialysis called CRRT (continuous renal replacement therapy) what this meant for dad is that he would be on kidney dialysis 24 hours a day continually.
The doctor ordered dialysis I believe Wednesday or Thursday that the first week. It took 2 to 3 days for them to actually start the therapy. This was very upsetting to both my sister and I because we felt like they were delaying my dad in his healing process. They ended up starting it finally I forget what day it was. He was on it about 24 to 48 hours and then they decided to completely take him off. When we asked why they took him off of the dialysis, which was frustrating, because it was so important according to them start so that dad would start to improve, they told us it was because his blood was too thick it was clogging up the dialysis machine. I don't understand this because of he had a condition called atrial fibrillation which he had to take blood thinners for. And multiple times the doctors and nurses told us that his blood was too thin. So go ahead and figure that one out because we couldn't. Anyway they were going to restart the dialysis on day 10 of his comatose state. He never made it that far.
So essentially the kidney dialysis was to assist his body to heal and get better because he was in complete renal kidney failure. It was extremely hard to see him go through this and watch the blood coming out of his very sick body, through the machine and pump back into his body. I was Able to tolerate it because I believed this would help dad to come out of his comatose state and begin to heal his body. I WAS WRONG. The dialysis did absolutely no good for dad. It did not improve his health at all not even a smidgen but, on the plus side it also did not make anything worse or more life-threatening but it didn't do the job of making it better and that sucks.
This post has been extremely hard on me so I am going to leave it at this and pick up next time on the last hours and days of dad's life in the last few days leading up to the very second we said our final good bye.
Live, laugh, love and you can get through anything. Until next time.......
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
The Anatomy of life support part 2
I left off on Monday night.
I could only stay in the ICU for no more than 30 mins. It was so hard to see this man who was always so strong and burly being completely sedated in a medical induced coma. The put him the coma to allow his body time to rest so that he might get stronger. It didn't work. By Tuesday morning the Doctor decided to stop all the sedative medication to see if he would wake up and come out of the coma.
He didn't wake up at all on Tuesday. My sister and I had a hard time just sitting there watching our dad waste away to nothing. As I said in my last post his belly was so incredibly swollen yet his face was a dull gray color and completely hollowed out looking. We were staying at a hotel less than 5 minutes away from St. Mary's Hospital. At this point the Dr. said to not get excited because he was still a very sick man. They believed that he got pancreatitis which caused his gall bladder to fail causing his liver and entire digestive tract to fail.
When we went to see him again Tuesday afternoon we talked to the Dr and nurses and got permission for my 7 and 8 year old nephews to come in the ICU and see dad. I took them in 1 at a time. I started with the youngest Mark (named after my dad ). I held his hand while we walked into the ICU. His dad stayed with the other nephew and my sister was already in dad's room. I explained that grandpa was very sick and was going to look different. I explained the best I could that he had lots of tubes and machines and such in him and in the room. This boy is such a tuff kiddo. We walked into the room. I told Mark that grandpa was able to hear him and to just talk to him as normal as you can. He was strong and brave. I picked him up so he could give his "papa" a kiss on the forehead. I walked him out and brought Ethan in. I explained everything all over again. Something you should know about Ethan is that he and his papa were the best of buddies. He tried to talk to dad but was very nervous and scared just as I would be at his age. I had been so strong since I got to the hospital on Monday however, when Ethan was getting ready to leave I again picked him up to give papa a kiss. I was strong until this little tender 8 year old said the most sad and profound thin I have ever heard. He looked at my dad and said " goodbye papa I will see you when I get to heaven" I LOST IT! Wow what a special boy he is. I am actually crying right now as I type this and remember his small voice saying those tender words.
After that I was so emotionally exhausted and worn out. We all went back to our hotel and I sat in my empty hotel room by myself and had a good hard cry. We didn't go back to see him that day because they were going to be inserting a tube into his gall bladder to drain the infection. He needed surgery to remove it all together but he was too sick and unstable for surgery so this was the next best thing they could do to try and relieve the infection to hopefully bring him out of the coma. It didn't help him to wake up.
In the next post I will talk about the dialysis they said was the fix all but they were wrong. Until next time....
I could only stay in the ICU for no more than 30 mins. It was so hard to see this man who was always so strong and burly being completely sedated in a medical induced coma. The put him the coma to allow his body time to rest so that he might get stronger. It didn't work. By Tuesday morning the Doctor decided to stop all the sedative medication to see if he would wake up and come out of the coma.
He didn't wake up at all on Tuesday. My sister and I had a hard time just sitting there watching our dad waste away to nothing. As I said in my last post his belly was so incredibly swollen yet his face was a dull gray color and completely hollowed out looking. We were staying at a hotel less than 5 minutes away from St. Mary's Hospital. At this point the Dr. said to not get excited because he was still a very sick man. They believed that he got pancreatitis which caused his gall bladder to fail causing his liver and entire digestive tract to fail.
When we went to see him again Tuesday afternoon we talked to the Dr and nurses and got permission for my 7 and 8 year old nephews to come in the ICU and see dad. I took them in 1 at a time. I started with the youngest Mark (named after my dad ). I held his hand while we walked into the ICU. His dad stayed with the other nephew and my sister was already in dad's room. I explained that grandpa was very sick and was going to look different. I explained the best I could that he had lots of tubes and machines and such in him and in the room. This boy is such a tuff kiddo. We walked into the room. I told Mark that grandpa was able to hear him and to just talk to him as normal as you can. He was strong and brave. I picked him up so he could give his "papa" a kiss on the forehead. I walked him out and brought Ethan in. I explained everything all over again. Something you should know about Ethan is that he and his papa were the best of buddies. He tried to talk to dad but was very nervous and scared just as I would be at his age. I had been so strong since I got to the hospital on Monday however, when Ethan was getting ready to leave I again picked him up to give papa a kiss. I was strong until this little tender 8 year old said the most sad and profound thin I have ever heard. He looked at my dad and said " goodbye papa I will see you when I get to heaven" I LOST IT! Wow what a special boy he is. I am actually crying right now as I type this and remember his small voice saying those tender words.
After that I was so emotionally exhausted and worn out. We all went back to our hotel and I sat in my empty hotel room by myself and had a good hard cry. We didn't go back to see him that day because they were going to be inserting a tube into his gall bladder to drain the infection. He needed surgery to remove it all together but he was too sick and unstable for surgery so this was the next best thing they could do to try and relieve the infection to hopefully bring him out of the coma. It didn't help him to wake up.
In the next post I will talk about the dialysis they said was the fix all but they were wrong. Until next time....
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The anatomy of life support part 1
We still don't know what type of infection caused my dad's life to end. It started out on Saturday with about an hour of vomiting. Within hours he was unresponsive and swollen. Within 24 hours of being in the hospital in Craig he declined so fast that he was life flighted to St Mary's hospital in Grand Junction... This was Sunday night.
I left first thing Monday morning after working a 12 hour graveyard shift. My sister was already there when I got there. She'd tried to prepare me for what dad looked like but I was not even able to process what I saw when I walked into his ICU room that very first time. This was Monday evening.
I walked in I instantly felt like I was going to vomit. His vital signs were the lowest signs I've ever seen in my 8 years as a nurse. He was completely supported by medications and machines. He had tubes coming from every opening in his entire body except for his ears. He had numerous IV's including three directly in his neck. He was swollen throughout his body almost past the point of recognition except his face which was hollow and gray in color.
More details and such coming soon.......
Monday, June 30, 2014
My dad, my hero
On Saturday June 7, 2014, my dad went out to lunch his friend. He came home and took a nap for an hour or so and woke up vomiting. By about 7 o'clock that night he was unconscious at the hospital in Craig Colorado. He declined very quickly and was flight for life to Grand Junction Colorado to St. Mary's hospital.
There he spent one night in a medically induced coma. Then they stopped all of this sedative medications. He Remained unresponsive for another three days. This whole time he was on a ventilator and blood pressure medication to keep him alive. We as in my sister and myself where right at his side as much as possible the entire 10 days he was on life support. On June 17, 2014 we made the courageous decision to take dad off all life support. He died at 4:05 PM
My dad died exactly 15 months and 13 days after my mother died. I will be posting more about my dad and the life he had but this is just a quick update to keep you all updated. I have been able to witness and feel the love support and prayers on behalf of my father and myself and my family. It is because of all of that but I am able to even lift my head up every single day. Thank you for everything.
I love you dad and miss you more than I ever thought was possible ........ Until we meet again.....
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Random thoughts of the day
I have had a few very good and amazing weeks lately, yet tragic at the same time. To begin with the positive would be best.
A week or so ago I got a call from a dear sweet friend. She told me she got pregnant and was not in a place to raise a baby. She asked if I was still interested in adopting. ABSOLUTELY!!!! She was super relieved and was feeling great so far in the pregnancy. I was able to be a support for her through the rough spots and rejoiced with her in the happiness. I am not going to lie I was so excited at the idea of FINALLY becoming the mother I feel I am destined to become. Now for the bad...... She called me today and said her ex-boyfriend had attacked her causing her to miscarry. He kicked and punched her in the stomach among other things the bastard did to my sweet friend. ----- side note---- He is currently in jail still I do believe. I am absolutely once again devastated because I can feel my dreams of motherhood slipping away once again. I knew better than to get excited this early but what can I say, I want to be a mommy more than almost anything else. I think I just need to realize this may not be in the cards for my and my sweet, patient, loving dreamboat of a husband.
On to better and happier things. I am loving my job! My hours are perfect, my boss is great, my co-workers are stellar, and my clients are the best I could ever ask for. I have the BEST friends I could ever ask for! I love that we can go days, weeks, or months without talking or seeing each other and we pick right up where we left off. I have without a single doubt the BEST husband ever possible. He is patient, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, dedicated soul. I could seriously go on for ever about him. When I was sick with the second cancer battle he was 100% at my side. He has continued to take care of me and everything in our lives without any complaint. He is my everything! Ya ya I know move on, enough already lol!!! Oh and 1 more thing... We are finally on the road to being more active in church. I love it but wish I wasn't so lazy. ( we have 9:30am church ugh!)
As usual here is another wonderful quote that I love and it rings so true to me.
"Friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever."
A week or so ago I got a call from a dear sweet friend. She told me she got pregnant and was not in a place to raise a baby. She asked if I was still interested in adopting. ABSOLUTELY!!!! She was super relieved and was feeling great so far in the pregnancy. I was able to be a support for her through the rough spots and rejoiced with her in the happiness. I am not going to lie I was so excited at the idea of FINALLY becoming the mother I feel I am destined to become. Now for the bad...... She called me today and said her ex-boyfriend had attacked her causing her to miscarry. He kicked and punched her in the stomach among other things the bastard did to my sweet friend. ----- side note---- He is currently in jail still I do believe. I am absolutely once again devastated because I can feel my dreams of motherhood slipping away once again. I knew better than to get excited this early but what can I say, I want to be a mommy more than almost anything else. I think I just need to realize this may not be in the cards for my and my sweet, patient, loving dreamboat of a husband.
On to better and happier things. I am loving my job! My hours are perfect, my boss is great, my co-workers are stellar, and my clients are the best I could ever ask for. I have the BEST friends I could ever ask for! I love that we can go days, weeks, or months without talking or seeing each other and we pick right up where we left off. I have without a single doubt the BEST husband ever possible. He is patient, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, dedicated soul. I could seriously go on for ever about him. When I was sick with the second cancer battle he was 100% at my side. He has continued to take care of me and everything in our lives without any complaint. He is my everything! Ya ya I know move on, enough already lol!!! Oh and 1 more thing... We are finally on the road to being more active in church. I love it but wish I wasn't so lazy. ( we have 9:30am church ugh!)
As usual here is another wonderful quote that I love and it rings so true to me.
"Friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever."
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
April and May 2014 update
April was an interesting month. I was "recruited" to change from the day program I work at to a residential house with 3 special needs adult men in wheelchairs. I struggled like crazy with the decision. I loved the clients I was working with and didn't want to leave them. That being said, I made the switch and am absolutely loving it! The people I work with as well as the clients I care for are the best of the best.
April also brought along a very much needed visit back home to Craig CO. My mom passed away on March 4, 2013. I went home then and again in May 2013. I had not been home since then. My dad had a health scare so I really needed to go see him. He is doing much better now. It was really nice to be there for Easter. I have never spent Easter with my sister's kids who are 6 and 7. They were so happy to see me but even more excited to see my sweet husband, the one and only Uncle Phil. They LOVE him. It's super cute. We spent the long weekend there and are already trying to plan another trip back. I really miss my family even more so now that mom is gone.
May so far has been interesting. I am 6 pounds away from my first weight loss goal of 50 pounds. I wish it was more noticeable, but as big as I am it will take awhile to show more. My clothes are looser, and my eating habits are better. With all the health issues and stress of the past 7 years I have gained 100 pounds. I want to loose the extra 100 pounds and then another 50-75. I am learning that I don't have much control over many things in my life (so annoying since I am a control freak ) but I can control what I can put in my body.
I just celebrated my 33rd birthday here on planet earth. It was very boring. I worked graveyards the night before and the night of so I literally did nothing. I did however buy myself a new purse and got a massage as a gift to myself. Phil has been busily working from home for the past 6 or 8 months or so. He likes the freedom to do his thing on his terms. He is building and designing websites. He has been hard at work on the spring yard work and I LOVE him for it. I HATE yard work. We are growing a ton of new and old classics in our garden. I cannot wait for them to produce. For now this is the best I can do to update. So I will leave off with this amazing quote and one of my all time favorites.
Love them anyway."
April also brought along a very much needed visit back home to Craig CO. My mom passed away on March 4, 2013. I went home then and again in May 2013. I had not been home since then. My dad had a health scare so I really needed to go see him. He is doing much better now. It was really nice to be there for Easter. I have never spent Easter with my sister's kids who are 6 and 7. They were so happy to see me but even more excited to see my sweet husband, the one and only Uncle Phil. They LOVE him. It's super cute. We spent the long weekend there and are already trying to plan another trip back. I really miss my family even more so now that mom is gone.
May so far has been interesting. I am 6 pounds away from my first weight loss goal of 50 pounds. I wish it was more noticeable, but as big as I am it will take awhile to show more. My clothes are looser, and my eating habits are better. With all the health issues and stress of the past 7 years I have gained 100 pounds. I want to loose the extra 100 pounds and then another 50-75. I am learning that I don't have much control over many things in my life (so annoying since I am a control freak ) but I can control what I can put in my body.
I just celebrated my 33rd birthday here on planet earth. It was very boring. I worked graveyards the night before and the night of so I literally did nothing. I did however buy myself a new purse and got a massage as a gift to myself. Phil has been busily working from home for the past 6 or 8 months or so. He likes the freedom to do his thing on his terms. He is building and designing websites. He has been hard at work on the spring yard work and I LOVE him for it. I HATE yard work. We are growing a ton of new and old classics in our garden. I cannot wait for them to produce. For now this is the best I can do to update. So I will leave off with this amazing quote and one of my all time favorites.
Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99
"People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99
Love them anyway."
Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_marriage.html#zf2XujhrKuch4MM0.99
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Christmas 2013
Better late than never right??!!
This year was the first year in awhile that all of Phil's siblings were home for the holidays. His brother Tom and his wife Kasadie and their baby Adalynn live in South Carolina where Tom is stationed in the navy. His youngest brother Jesse is in the Army and is stationed in Georgia.
We had lots of fun spending time with everyone. This was also the first Christmas since my mom passed away so it was hard and happy at the same time. We played lots of games, went shooting, and spent lots of time together.
Once again here is a major picture overload!!
This year was the first year in awhile that all of Phil's siblings were home for the holidays. His brother Tom and his wife Kasadie and their baby Adalynn live in South Carolina where Tom is stationed in the navy. His youngest brother Jesse is in the Army and is stationed in Georgia.
We had lots of fun spending time with everyone. This was also the first Christmas since my mom passed away so it was hard and happy at the same time. We played lots of games, went shooting, and spent lots of time together.
Once again here is a major picture overload!!
Yes ladies he is in LOVE with his guns lol. And he is single and ready to mingle!!!
Midway Utah Ice Castles
I know I haven't blogged forever but rather than try to catch up I will share about our awesome day in Midway!!!
Last month my friend Laura invited us to go with her and her family to the Midway Ice Castles. We talked about it and decided going at night would be super awesome since they light up the castles in lots of colors. We went on a Saturday night which, as I am sure you can imagine was SO PACKED!! We waited in line for what felt like a year but was most likely 1.5 hours.
The castles are all amazing and it was this photographers paradise. I took some amazing photos which are located below.
Tim and Laura have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and they loved it cold feet and all. We all had so much fun. It was very "snowy" in the walkways and there were times that our feet were so sunk down it was hard to walk. I wore regular tennis shoes..... BAD IDEA! My feet were freezing and wet the whole time. I really think everyone should go see this amazing art work while the weather is still holding up. Now for the picture over load.
Another one taken straight up
Another one taken straight up
Holy FREAKY!!! haha
This was taken directly above my head. So amazing!
Laura, Tim, Faith and Spencer. They are great friends of ours and we love them dearly!
Laura was 4.5 months preggo , Tim was carrying Faith and I was struggling just walking so Phil got to carry Spencer through the end. What a HUNK!!!
Another one taken straight up
Last month my friend Laura invited us to go with her and her family to the Midway Ice Castles. We talked about it and decided going at night would be super awesome since they light up the castles in lots of colors. We went on a Saturday night which, as I am sure you can imagine was SO PACKED!! We waited in line for what felt like a year but was most likely 1.5 hours.
The castles are all amazing and it was this photographers paradise. I took some amazing photos which are located below.
Tim and Laura have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and they loved it cold feet and all. We all had so much fun. It was very "snowy" in the walkways and there were times that our feet were so sunk down it was hard to walk. I wore regular tennis shoes..... BAD IDEA! My feet were freezing and wet the whole time. I really think everyone should go see this amazing art work while the weather is still holding up. Now for the picture over load.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
