Goodbye Prosper Hello Thrive!

So I finally made the decision that I have been turmoil-ed about for 3 weeks now. I am leaving my current job at Prosper. Thursday will be my last day! I am going to another coaching company in Orem. This is a bittersweet choice. I love my job and the students I teach. I will be doing the same at the new place but it's still a change. I will be starting the new job on Monday!

STUPID

Do you ever feel like you are CONSTANTLY surrounded by STUPID?!!!! Everyday while I am at work I practically have tape my mouth shut to deal with one person. HOLY CRAP said person drives me NUTS!!!! I can't wait until said person leaves for the day. My day defiantly gets better the moment they leave!!! UGH...................... YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!

Ode to Kim

This week I lost a very dear friend. This was a very hard thing to deal with because not only did I lose a very sweet friend but her son lost his mother. I wanted to dedicate a full post to the memories of her and the impact she made on me.

I first met Kim at cancer support group. She had an inoperable Brain tumor. She is a strong woman. At the time I met her Gavin was about 2 and 1/2. She was very sick from the get go but still did what she had to do to take care of her son. She often told me how strong I was and that I was so encouraging to her, when in fact it was she who was so strong and encouraging to me.

She was originally from California and came out to Utah a few years ago. She died at the age of 30. Pretty sad stuff. She worked as a secretary for a local law office I believe. I am very upset at myself for not making our friendship a priority. We both knew how sick we both are and yet life still got in the way. We would make a plan then without fail either she was feeling bad or I was. Somehow though, we did plenty of chatting online and talking on the phone! For that I am truly grateful. When she passed away I felt as though my heart was ripped out of my chest. I have been trying harder to be a better friend to others and for her I'm too late.

The more I am thinking about her the sadder I am getting so I will end here for now. Please remember to count your blessings everyday and live life to the fullest.

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again!
~Author Unknown

I love you Kim and will think of you often!

Gavin and The Outsiders

Well here I am back at work. I was able to take yesterday off because a- I feel like crapola b- I am grieving a close friends death, and c- my entire body feels like I got run over by a steam roller! I still have a painful cough and chills but it could be worse. As of now little Gavin is going to be staying with his great-aunt. She is a very sweet lady and he will be in good hands!
I still don't know what to do about my recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. It makes sense as to why I hurt so much. My Dr. gave me a new med that is supposed to help with nerve pain. So far it has helped but I can only take it at night cause it makes me sleepy. I'm supposed to take it 3 times a day. Hopefully I will start to get used to it and the sleepiness will reduce.

I was able to go to this interesting pizzeria with my sweet friend Laura and her daughter Faith. This place was super swanky!!! We had a good laugh because the people who worked there looked like they were right out of the Outsiders movie Pony boy anyone? They had their pants rolled up, sleeves rolled up, and hair slicked all the way back!!! Who does that??!! Too Funny. I know Laura is reading this and laughing at the memory!

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
Have a happy and safe Thursday!

Kimber Ann Leak

My dear friend has gone on to be with the angels. She passed away at 3:01pm. Thank you everyone for all the prayers. My heart aches for her but even more so for her 4yr old son Gavin. I am happy she is not suffering anymore and that it's only a matter of time until we meet again. And the disease wins again. When will this garbage stop? It makes me so angry!!!! It is a painful, sickening, scary, killing disease! I HATE CANCER!!!!

Weekend Visit

My parents came down Friday and stayed til Sunday and HOLY COW we had a perfect visit (mostly). It was so nice to see them and spend quality time with them. I have been trying to rebuild our relationship and it is finally getting there! We ate at some nice places and did my favorite thing..... SHOPPING!!!!!!!!! We were having so much fun that I forgot to take pictures! So I will post a couple of older ones! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and has a great week! Mine will be stressful (see other post from today)

Kimmy Kim

My sweet dear friend Kim who has a brain tumor passed out today at work and has been on life support since. There is no brain activity and the outlook is bleak. She has a 4 year old little angel named Gavin. This is very saddening to me because he has very few people in his life who love him. He is precious and sweet and I HATE that this is happening to them both! I am so happy that they have come into my life and blessed me with an amazing friendship. This situation has again reminded me of how short life is and how precious it is. I just talked to her this morning and she said she felt a little off but was just tired. Life is so fragile and we all need to make the most of it.

As I am trying to figure out what to with Gavin (her legal stuff says he comes to me until a permanent situation can be decided between myself, her attorney, and child services) I am realizing how blessed I am to have amazing people in my life that are doing everything they can to help me help him. Marcie Jessee has offered to watch him as needed so I can still work- she relieved a huge stress from me-thank you so much!

Mom and Dad

Yesterday my dad randomly called me and said they were coming to visit me today-Friday! Luckily I already took Friday off from work. So I am sitting here waiting for them to get here. It has been about 7 or 8 months since I saw my parents! Dad just called me and said they got a room in Payson which is 5 mins from my new house! I better go clean lol! I will update more later! Shout out to Whitney..... Sorry lunch didn't work for today, but I still love you. Laura- I am super excited to go to that new pizza joint next week! Love you all! Happy FRIDAY!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Life Actually

I have been such a slacker on posting. OOPS................ anyway moving on. I have had a busy few days HOLY MOLEY!!!! My weekend seem to go by so fast and the workdays are strenuous. I wouldn't have it any other way! My super sweet cousin might be moving out here to get a fresh start which will be great cause the only family I have out here is inlaws. I would love to have family here to visit with. I still have my "bad" days. Today is one of them. My legs are the issue. The bones are a burning pain and the tissue, and muscle is numb. They are both very weak and its getting harder to walk. I do have a call into my Neurologist to see if he wants me back in the hospital or not. I hope he decides soon, I am miserable! Add that to the fact that my right eyelid is increasing in swelling and its a recipe for frustration! Happy Wednesday!

When all is Said and Done

When all is said and done, what do you want people to remember the most about you? To an outsider looking in I think I am an upbeat strong, loving, and happy person. But for me looking out I am none of those. I have dealt with and suffered from depression for more years than I can remember. I want everyone to remember me for all of those things and more however, I feel like I deserve none of it.

More days than not I get so angry when I simply wake up. I feel like the world will be better off without me. I am an angry, mean, grouchy, ugly (inside and out), pain in the buns. There is a reason that very few people can even stand to be around me. I feel like I have to push and push for people to even attempt to hang out with me.

Do you know that already have a will and all of my own funeral arraignments ready to go? Crazy right? I just want everything to be smooth. I have lost my zest for life. I used to be wild and fun. I had friends that ALWAYS wanted to be doing things with me. But that has changed. I do have a couple, yes only a couple of very good friends but they have their own very busy lives and I find it very hard to get together. I want to be the person I used to be before I got sick. Fun and happy, who people want to be around.

Anyway blah blah I know...... Sometimes I just don't know how to get my feelings out so this is my outlet.

When I am gone I hope I am remembered for what I used to be and not what I have become. Right now I am in a very dark place and I see no way out. Add to that the fact that I might be losing my job that I LOVE because I am not as good of an employee as others, and it's a recipe for disaster. I am actually praying that this all ends soon. I am a burden to my husband and family and do nothing but cause contention. Just ask them, they will agree. Best wishes to all and I am truly sorry for who and what I have become.

"God be with you til we meet again"

Sorry

I have been under the weather and super busy. I will try to post later tonight or tomorrow. Here is another video to get you through!! :)

Weekend wrap up

Better late then never right? Well our weekend was so wonderful! I got my haircut super short and I love it. I need to go in to have it trimmed up a bit and then I will post pictures. We got most of our house set up and even bought a brand new sectional sofa! It's super comfy and microfiber! I have been super home sick though. I miss my dad the most. Most of my family and I just don't seem to see eye to eye but dad and I do! He is supposed to be coming to visit in a few weeks, and I can't wait! I am going to end early cause I am overwhelmed and busy. I am going to post a song that is very dear to me. I like to call it my anthem. It is Who I am by Jessica Andrews. The lyrics are so true as to how I feel. The only difference is that I am Ersie and Sharon's granddaughter and my dad is still my biggest fan, not my mama. Stay safe and warm!

Friends

Sweet Saturday~ Normally yes, today no.
I was thinking today about what kind of friend I am. Short answer: NOT A GOOD ONE! I am so caught up and distracted by things going on in my own life that I don't make time for friends. That or I wear myself out then I have to cancel plans. For the choices and actions I have made, I am very sorry. I am going to try harder to be mindful of others needs and less focused on myself!
I don't have much to say but I will leave you with this quote:

"I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."
- Thomas Jefferson

Love and Hugs..............

Why Me? Who Cares!

I get asked all the time how I can be as happy as I am given my circumstances. My answer is always the same, what choice do I have. To be completely honest, right now I am miserable. I hurt, have a fever and am vomiting. There are some days that I can't even stand the thought of getting out of bed, or I physically cannot get out of bed. Sometimes I am too weak to do anything. I can get angry about these things and "curse God" but what would that get me? More misery. NO THANK YOU!!! I will take whatever trials I am given because I know I am not fighting them alone. I have a loving Heavenly Father, an awesome hubby and great friends and family. What more could I ask for. I absolutely know that even though our burdens might seem to heavy or unmanageable we are never alone. And our needs are known. I'm not saying that I am happy all the time or even most of the time. I do however accept what has been dealt to me and I strive daily to make the best out of it! Here is an excerpt from a talk I gave at a young women's gathering:

Life will never be easy. When those difficult times come, it is up to us whether we “curse God”, as Job's wife would have had him do, or trust in the Lord and seek what it is that he would have us learn. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “ Just when all seems to be going alright, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not the consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where he wants you to be requires a lot of stretching and that generally entails much pain and discomfort. This life is an experience in profound Trust in Jesus Christ,”

Hooray for the weekend. Be safe and enjoy life!

Destination

I love this guy!

"What you get by reaching your
destination is not nearly as
important as what you will become
by reaching your destination."
- Zig Ziglar

Grandma Martinez

Thursday.... Today I am thinking about all the important people in my life. One of the people I miss the most is my Grandma Martinez (my mom's mom) She passed away in October 1996. My favorite memory was I believe 1995. My parents went to Europe for 2 weeks, I stayed with Gram, and my sister stayed with my dad's brother. Gram wanted to do so many fun things with me but she was a hard working lady. She did however take me to see Pocahontas at the movie theatre. I wanted to see it SO BAD!!! Anyway, we went and of course I LOVED it and I looked over at Grams and sure enough she was snoring away! So funny. Anyone who knows gram will agree that she stayed true to herself. I don't think she EVER stayed awake through a full movie. Boy, I really miss her. She was my greatest ally with my parents. Also gram was the glue for our family. We used to have countless reunions and gatherings which died with her. So shout out to my family lets plan another one this summer!!! Have a happy and blessed Thursday!

Today has been a rough day for me so far. I am not happy. I have trouble when friends tell me they are pregnant. On one hand I am super happy for them, and on the other I am angry because I'm not able to get pregnant. Maybe one day the good lord will bless me with the joy of motherhood. In the interim, I absolutely enjoy playing with and tending to my friends children. My friend Whit has an adorable little man that is about 10 months old. I was blessed to be able to spend the day at the hospital on the day he was born. I was able to help Whit out and change diapers as needed and hold him and just marvel in the miracle of life. I have seen too much death in my life that it was so amazing to be there when a brand new life was emerging and starting.
Another friend of mine Laura has 2 beautiful little sweeties. The one I am closest to is 3 going on 16! Nothing melts my heart faster than when she tells me, Derin we are friends huh! She has a smile that lights up my darkness and a laugh that is so contagious! I am truly blessed by this sweet and powerful little princess. A quick little funny about her: for Christmas I gave her a cute little princess dinnerware set. On New Years Eve we were over eating an amazing meal. I asked her if someone cool gave her that cute cup. She looks at me with her innocent eyes and says "no Just you Derin". We all had such a good laugh and still do.
Her other beauty is a real angel! She was blessed to not have to deal with the garbage in this world and was able to return home to our Heavenly Father at 21 months old. I never had the opportunity to meet her but as a result of her, I was able to meet her mama and amazing family. My life has become so much better because of her! Even though I have never met her, I feel like I already know her! Her love and spirit lives on through everyone she came in contact with! I have seen pictures and videos of her and I am always smiling, as is she. Her smile and laugh are the sweetest sound. I can't wait until we meet!
I am lucky enough to be surround by those who care and uplift me. I have this saying I have used for years "Friends are angels in disguise". How true that is! I encourage all to count your blessings today! I know that when I am in my darkest funk, if I can just start listing my blessings, I realize how wonderful things really are. Happy Wednesday and God bless.....

Welcome

Yep I did it again.... I created another blog solely for the purpose of my random thoughts and entertainment! I don't promise to provide super excited things for you to read but I will try my best! Happy Tuesday!