When all is Said and Done

When all is said and done, what do you want people to remember the most about you? To an outsider looking in I think I am an upbeat strong, loving, and happy person. But for me looking out I am none of those. I have dealt with and suffered from depression for more years than I can remember. I want everyone to remember me for all of those things and more however, I feel like I deserve none of it.

More days than not I get so angry when I simply wake up. I feel like the world will be better off without me. I am an angry, mean, grouchy, ugly (inside and out), pain in the buns. There is a reason that very few people can even stand to be around me. I feel like I have to push and push for people to even attempt to hang out with me.

Do you know that already have a will and all of my own funeral arraignments ready to go? Crazy right? I just want everything to be smooth. I have lost my zest for life. I used to be wild and fun. I had friends that ALWAYS wanted to be doing things with me. But that has changed. I do have a couple, yes only a couple of very good friends but they have their own very busy lives and I find it very hard to get together. I want to be the person I used to be before I got sick. Fun and happy, who people want to be around.

Anyway blah blah I know...... Sometimes I just don't know how to get my feelings out so this is my outlet.

When I am gone I hope I am remembered for what I used to be and not what I have become. Right now I am in a very dark place and I see no way out. Add to that the fact that I might be losing my job that I LOVE because I am not as good of an employee as others, and it's a recipe for disaster. I am actually praying that this all ends soon. I am a burden to my husband and family and do nothing but cause contention. Just ask them, they will agree. Best wishes to all and I am truly sorry for who and what I have become.

"God be with you til we meet again"