No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside

I have been very up and down the past few weeks. Obviously this is nothing new for me. But this time it feels so much worse. We have been working so hard to prepare for our special secret life changing event, which I hope to reveal very soon. I feel like I have zero control over this whole event. It frustrates the crap out of me.

The past few weeks have just drained me and I am having a hard time pulling myself out of this funk. I did some retail therapy and had a girls day last weekend with Laura and the weekend before I got to have a fun overnight-er with her as well. While these things werePHENOMENAL, at the end of the day I felt even worse. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

I think I have too many things and too much on plate but I cannot stop any of it. I am the laziest, dumbest, horrible wife, friend, and human. I want to be the person people like to be around and such. How can I expect others to see me in a positive when I have a hard time seeing myself that way. I know this is a big long whine post but..... it's my only outlet at the time.

Anyway I am enjoying the weather right now. Yes I mean 75 degrees one day and snow the next I LOVE IT!!! For now I leave you with this quote:

JONATHAN ANTOINE AUDITION - BRITAINS GOT TALENT 2012

I am simply amazed! Wow Not at all what I was expecting. If I close my eyes she sounds just like the one and only Pavarotti.....

What dreams may come

I have no idea how or why this happens. I have vivid dreams often. Lately My dreams have been what I think is magical. Now I don't mean unicorns and Harry Potter. Magical like what I dream has come true. However this is limited to close friends and their children. Let me clarify so I don't sound like a creepy pedophile :)

So it started back in early summer of 2011. I had a dream about my bestie Laura. I dreamt that she was pregnant with a boy and they named him Sven. Mind you she did not appear preggers in real life nor did I know she was preggers. So I called her and asked her if she was. Low and behold she was about 2 months along or so. Well she finally found out that yep I was accurate. She was having a boy. The name however did not work they named him Spencer and he was born on Christmas eve. I was able to spend a lot of time with them in his first minutes of life and even changed his first diaper. I got to spend time at their home and stayed the night so Laura and Tim could sleep. I was in baby heaven. Nothing soothes my soul like sweet baby snuggles and smothering them with kisses.

Next came my dream about Whitney another Bestie. I had a dream that she was pregnant with a little girl and they named her Sofie or Sofia I forget. Anyway again I called her first thing the next morning and asked if she was preggo. She responded, um yeah I am about 6 weeks along. As with Laura I had NO idea she was expecting. Well a few weeks ago she let me know that yes she is indeed having a girl! Crazy right?!!! She is not due for a few months but she did say they will not be using the name! Wow this was getting kinda weird.

The next dream was about miss Ashley Rose. Same thing I dreamt she was preggo with a girl but I forget the name. Again I called her and she was like, yes I am but I have not told anyone. I think she was around 6-8 weeks. I don't know yet if she know what she is having but based on the success of my previous dreams, I am guessing a girl.

One more. Laura's sweet sister Tammy. I dreamt she was preggo with a girl and I forget what she named her but I wrote it in my journal and will have to look it up. Anyway I don't talk to Tammy a ton but we always see each other when I go to Laura's house for good times. I called Laura to see if Tammy was and low and behold she was. Laura couldn't think of how I knew and when I told her about the dream we laughed.

Whether this is all a fluke or a divine thing I do not know but I love it. Now if only I would dream I am pregnant! Happy Wednesday!

To hoard or not to hoard?

We have been so busy organizing, de-junking, and condensing all of our belongings. I am staying pretty tight-lipped about the major reason for this, but for now I will say we are preparing a special room for a special person, for a special reason ;)

We have WAY TOO MUCH CRAP!!! My husband says I am a hoarder, I say I just love things and stuff! Anyway, I had a total of about 6 5 foot 5-shelf book cases full of any type of book, manuals, text books etc. I love the feel, smell, info, fun and everything else in real life books. Yes I have a kindle fire but I still just love books. Anyway, I reduced my collection down by over half! Yeah for me. As anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to get rid of anything really. I cried, had anxiety. But I feel good about it because the reward is greater. (my super secret plan that will be revealed as the time is better). My sweet husband was so supportive and helpful and patient with me. I am blessed to have him.

I need to cut this short but will try to post again before I let 6 more weeks pass. I will leave you with this quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

We Are The World 25 For Haiti (YouTube Edition)

Awesome Sky

Tonight when I took Rocky out to go potty the sunset was MINDBLOWING. These pics do it no justice. I tried to get a good pic but alas this is as good as it gets. Enjoy!!!!

Health Update

I have been asked a lot lately about my health. While I am currently in REMISSION, I continue to have several health issue that will likely linger for years. This is very frustrating for me. I haven't felt "great" for a long time. I am frustrated because I honestly don't remember what it feels like to feel "normal". I have good days and bad days still. There are more good than bad for now but yet I still struggle. My immune system is still very susceptible to illness and therefore have to be careful around sick friends and co-workers. But alas, I am alive and breathing!!! How amazing is that? Pretty amazing if I do say so myself.

I think we all take many things for granted, especially me. It is days like today when I am home from work cause my bones and joints are so painful that I struggle the most with this. I am blessed with a great husband. He takes amazing care of me and never utters even a muffled complaint. He has seen me at my very worst both physically and mentally. I have THE.BEST.FRIENDS.EVER!!! They truly are amazing. They bless me everyday. They share their children with me and let me tell you..... Nothing soothes my soul life snuggles and hugs and smiles from all their sweet miracles.

I am not one to make "resolutions" but I DO love to make goals alone as well as with Phil. I am surprised with what I came up with this year. I will try and remember to post some soon. For now I will continue to count my blessings daily and I encourage you all to do the same.

What is the moral of this post??? Yes we have trials, struggles, health issues, and general CRAP that we get dealt in this life but if we try harder, look deeper, and think longer, we are all truly blessed.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.